Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

d. Door 4

What is it about Door 4 that just screams “open me?” There’s nothing out of the ordinary about it when compared with the other three. It’s plain and brown and suitable for a simple warehouse, but there’s an unconscious tether that pulls Johnny over to it. He walks and twists the handle, and the purple light above the door turns bright red.

Opening the door, “Mr. Tambourine Man” plays on a radio, and he enters a cabin of some kind.

INT. OWL FARM, WOODY CREEK, COLORADO – DAY

Johnny looks around, feeling as though this is all familiar to him. He walks around the clutter of papers and books, and posters from Rolling Stones’ ’60s heyday. There’s a charm to it and a sense of intensity to the person who must live there.

MAN
Hey, Colonel.
How the hell are ya?

Johnny turns around. The man is instantly recognizable. Wearing amber aviators, a thin cowboy hat, thick winter coat, and tan shorts, with a lit Dunhill smoking off the end of his shiny cigarette holder, it’s none other than HUNTER S. THOMPSON. Johnny knows who he is through some supernatural knowledge.

JOHNNY
Hunter?

HUNTER S. THOMPSON
The only one.
The one and only.

JOHNNY
How do I know you again?

HUNTER S. THOMPSON
(momentarily removing
his cigarette holder)
What’s the matter?
Did you get shot in the fucking head?
You were in my adaptation.
Two of them by this point, actually.

JOHNNY
Ah, that’s right.
(pause)
Why did you call me Colonel?

HUNTER S. THOMPSON
Oh, Jesus. Somebody go into your head
and erase your memory?
That’s your name just for us.
You go by Ray everywhere else
with me.

JOHNNY
(confused)
Oh. Okay.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON
You look young.
Younger than I thought
you’d be.
But, I’ve been expecting you.
Just not at the moment.
You, uh, need to go back to
fucking page 1 or choose
another door. You got three doors,
choose one, and you’ll find
your place in this universe.
(snickering)
Who ever thought a damn
door would choose your destiny?
Anyway, I’ll see you farther
down the road.

JOHNNY
What is page 1, though?

HUNTER S. THOMPSON
Don’t question it. Go with the flow.
You buy the goddamn ticket,
and you take the ride.
The swine of a writer here
would have you go back to page 1,
but just take another door.

Hunter picks up his .44 and aims it at the fourth wall.

HUNTER S. THOMPSON
(angrily)
You hear me out there?
Give Ray the other
door options. Do it, or I’ll shoot
your wimpy ass
through that fucking
computer and hijack
this shit story myself.
(to Johnny)
Oh, uh, you want some coke
before you go?
Might help you keep up.
Oh, right. The effects will
wear off regardless of
where you go.
Shit, man. I don’t envy you.

You heard him. Choose Door 2 or Door 3 for a potential chance to meet the Good Doctor when you’re supposed to see him (Door 1 is another dead end, I’ll be honest). Fuck page 1, unless you really want to start over.

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