Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

c. Confronts the man in the shadows, who may be able to assist him

Johnny looks to the shadows, at the man in the back.

Who is that over there?

The man walks out, cowboy boots, washed out jeans, brown vest and rust colored shirt. His many rings and black fingernails hold up a joint as he takes a puff. This is OLDER JOHNNY, in his 50’s, here to help influence his younger self’s decision

Hey there, Johnny.
How’s it hanging?

Not good. Looks like either
I choose to be this guy’s
slave or die. Not much

And I suppose you want
me to help get you out
of this.

Yeah, that’s what myself
would probably do.
You are me, aren’t you?

Oh yeah, I’m you.
I’m older you.
Kind of interesting
how you’re not really

Kind of hard to be shocked
by anything when I’m
about to become an ape
slave in a mad scientist’s
evil island lair after spending
an evening at a bar.

I suppose that’s true.
But, you see, I’m not here
to get you out. I’m here
to encourage you to
become this man’s slave.
See, I was walking down the street
after a party with Keith Richards,
when all of a sudden I wind up
on this Evil Island place,
wondering what the hell’s going on.
Then the Doctor here introduces himself.
He tells me he wants to help me,
wants to give me peace.
He relays by box office and critical
failures, and convinces me
I’m worthless. And that he wants me
to observe you, and if need be, convince
you that you’re better off
as this man’s slave.
And once you become one,
I’ll slowly begin to vanish and
merge with you over time.


What? Why?

Look at your life when
you’re my age. You had
a good run as Captain Jack Sparrow,
you had a couple hits with
Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter.
But then you wind up in stuff like
The Tourist, and it becomes
clear that any movie with
Paul Bettany as your co-star
is just going to spell your

I don’t really know who
any of those people are.

They’re good people,
but the universe inexplicably wants you
to fail the more you work
with them. Even Paul Bettany,
a dear friend, hasn’t
helped me rekindle
my dwindling box office
success. I need something
to pick me up from this slump,
and I’m talking more than Black Mass.
It was good, but… not enough.

Are you going to help me or not?

Sorry, man. No. I’m here
to tell you that you’re worthless.
You’re a nothing. Your career
is a shell of its former self
from where I’m standing.
You play a caricature of a
French-Canadian with a
horrible fake nose in Kevin Smith’s Tusk,
for fuck’s sake. It’s a little

(looking down)

As your older self, I advise
you to become the Doctor’s
slave. Either that, or I’ll have
to help him force you to
become one.

I can’t believe you.
You’re a goddamn traitor.
You just said you partied
with Keith Richards.
How can it be that bad?

If you could see your life
with my eyes, you’d understand.

I refuse to believe it.

I can offer you a hit from my joint
to ease the pain a bit.
It might help us both get through it.

Johnny pauses for a moment, contemplating his potential future. Is it really that bad? Is it really that low? Is he really that lonely and unfulfilled that he’s depending on his career for happiness? Or did the Doctor just get to his head? There has to be a way out of this. Maybe Johnny can convince his future self that he’s not worthless, that he simply needs inspiration. On the other hand, there may be no hope for him, and fighting him might be the best form of opposition.

After much deliberation, Johnny:

a. Fights his future self (page 20)
b. Persuades his older self to help him, tries to convince him he isn’t worthless (page 21)

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