Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

c. Ignores the question and drones on and on about how much he actually hates the show 21 Jump Street

JOHNNY
You know what I really hate?
Fucking 21 Jump Street, man.
You know how much it sucks
being a teen idol? Do you?

BARTENDER
(unimpressed, shaking his head)
I don’t know what that is.

JOHNNY
(offended)
Really? You’ve never heard of it?

BARTENDER
Nope. Can’t say I have.

JOHNNY
Well, it’s terrible. I’m telling you.

BARTENDER
Then I’ll be sure to stay away.

JOHNNY
Never watch that shit.
Maybe the movie, where I have
a cameo, but not the show.
Watch something like Sweeney Todd or
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas instead.

BARTENDER
They made a movie of Fear and Loathing?
I didn’t know that.

JOHNNY
(confused)
Y-yeah, man. I was Raoul Duke.

BARTENDER
When was this?

Johnny pauses and struggles to remember the exact year, and can’t. In fact, he can’t even recall his performance, merely being friends with Hunter S. Thompson and observing his mannerisms. Was he actually Raoul Duke, or did he imagine that he was?

BARTENDER (CONT’D)
(noticing Johnny’s silence)
You okay?

JOHNNY
No. I don’t know. Maybe. Sure.
I need to get out of here.

Johnny pays for his drink and leaves.

EXT. CHICAGO STREETS

Johnny walks in the rain, wandering the streets, trying to come to terms with who he is. He tries his hardest to recall his performance in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but cannot remember anything but a stream of Rolling Stones songs with which he grew up.

The only performance he can recall, in fact, is as the youthful cop in 21 Jump Street. It would seem that in his hatred for the show, he has trapped his entire career to that single performance. He can’t even remember being the teen who gets sucked into the bed in Nightmare on Elm Street either. As he gets locked into that single character of Officer Tom Hanson, he experiences a seizure as his mind erases every other memory from his brain.

He collapses on the street, crippled, condemned to replaying this fan video in his head for all eternity:

THE END

Return to page 1 if you would like to try to save Johnny from this, and potentially meet Dr. Pont-Du-Loc.

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