Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

a. Grabs some condoms and attempts to leave the compound

Despite the rather shady nature of these condoms, and their rather shady location, Johnny succumbs to his hormones and takes a handful of them from a box, shoving them in his jacket pocket. He figures he can leave quietly, but as soon as he turns around he’s faced with Dr. Pont Du Loc, who stands in the closet doorway, blocking him from leaving.

Johnny is understandably startled by the appearance and and falls into one of the boxes, winding up with lube and condoms all over him.

I see you’ve found my condom stash.

(breathing rapidly)
Who the hell are you?

You walk into an evil island’s
research and development center,
and find a closet full of condoms
after walking through a room
full of moaning slaves, and that’s
the first question you have for me?

Well, yeah. I mean, who are you?

I am Dr. Pont Du Loc. You have
stumbled into my evil research and
development center, which is used
for many revolutionary experiments.
I find it interesting how your lust
has made you apparently blind to
the unusual nature of this place,
and I’m sure this type of place
is particularly unfamiliar to you.

Look, I’m just grabbing some condoms
and I’m outta here to let you
do whatever you were doing.
I can even pay you for them if you want.

(shaking head condescendingly)
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Do even know
where those condoms have been?
Do you even know if they’ve been
used? Do you even know if that’s
really just lube you’ve fallen into?

Johnny panics and jumps out of the box of condoms, standing in front of the Doctor.

Has no one ever told you the virtues
of safe sex? Don’t let your primal desire
for the flesh blind your perception
of safety. It seems that you didn’t
really have any kind of desire
to protect yourself or your partner.
There are many nasty STDs out there.
There’s chlamydia, syphilis, herpes,
and the dreaded HIV, to name
a few.

I know all this.

Then why do I find you stuffing
your pockets with unwrapped
johnnies, Johnny? This is most

I was just really–

What? Horny? Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny. How disappointing.
It seems I’m going to have to teach
you a lesson. You’re a danger to
your world. It’s for the best
that I turn you into one of my eunuch slaves
and invite you to my growing army,
where you won’t be able to
cause any trouble.

No. Wait, what? Slave? No!

The Doctor steps aside as his HUMAN-SCISSORS HYBRID enters the room, a monstrous abomination of flesh, a mass of tumorous pink-grey skin fused to many scissor tips which poke out from random places all over its humanoid body. Its red eyes are cold and distant as they analyze Johnny.

Oh good God. What the fuck is that?

Why, he’s a manifestation of your
Edward Scissorhands character.
He’s the evil side of that personality,
and he’s going to turn you into one of my slaves.
Although, the machine I used
to make him didn’t quite put
scissors on his hands, so much as
everywhere else.

Johnny shouts in protest as the creature walks up to him, lifting him and ripping his jacket and shirt off with his chest scissors. Then the monster places him on the ground, pinning him down as he stabs Johnny’s chest with his scissors. A glowing orange liquid travels through the scissor tips and into Johnny, beginning the process of turning him into a slave. His arms contort along with his back and legs to become apelike appendages, he grows dark brown hair everywhere, and other slaves apply brown and white markings with clay to his face. His eyes turn yellow and appear perpetually sad, forever sealing his tragic fate.




Johnny wakes up and finds that he’s no longer anything like the man he used to be, in either appearance or emotions. He sits in his cage, the one closest to the Doctor’s desk, watching him work away at whatever it is he works on.

Just then a woman enters the room through the same impact doors Johnny originally traveled through, and he instantly recognizes her as the WOMAN FROM THE BAR from three days before. He wonders if she remembers him at all, but they were both pretty drunk. For all he knows she’s a completely different woman who was at the bar. In fact, she is, upon closer inspection: puffy blonde ’80s hairstyle, beautiful face with neat features, nice C-cup chest, athletic, and tight jeans. Definitely not the brunette he went home with, anyway, although somewhat similar in looks.

A part of Johnny wants to call out to her, to get her to help him, while another deep desire battles with the need for help, a desire to serve Dr. Pont Du Loc for eternity, forever miserable and alone. Maybe it’s best that he accept his punishment for his negligence regarding safe sex practices.

After weighing his options for a moment as the woman approaches the Doctor’s desk, Johnny:

a. Calls out to the woman and tries to get her to help him escape (page 15)
b. Sides with Pont Du Loc, and alerts him to the woman’s presence (page 16)

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