Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

c. Door 3

Something about Door 3 just catches Johnny’s eye. It looks just like the other three, but there’s some extrasensory message that lures him toward it. He approaches it and opens it, and the purple light above the door turns yellow.

INT. TIM BURTON LAND – DAY

On the other side sits a throne, empty, huge and looking cozy with a red velvet cushion and back. It’s something resembling a prop in a Lewis Carroll novel. A sign on the back of the chair reads in bright gold letters: “KING JOHNNY”. Then Johnny looks around, at the bright and colorful land nearby, birds singing and vibrant trees. But just beyond that sheen of beauty lies a darker land, one full of dead trees and walking skeletons, all of them waving to Johnny as stop-motion children dressed in black sob and pound their fists on the ground.

Confused, feeling like this is all somehow familiar while being unable to figure out why, Johnny walks up to the throne with caution. He hears footsteps to his right, and turns to face a grim TIM BURTON.

TIM BURTON
(smirking darkly)
Hello, Johnny.

JOHNNY
I know you, don’t I?
A Tim, um, something.
It’s coming back to me.
Or am I predicting–

TIM BURTON
(raising a hand to silence Johnny)
Relax. I’m Tim Burton.
I’ve directed quite a few films
of yours. We’re collaborators.
Well, not yet. You’re Younger
Johnny. You have a few years to go.

JOHNNY
What movies?

TIM BURTON
Well, I first use you in my seminal
Edward Scissorhands, and then
you date Winona Ryder for a while–

JOHNNY
(grinning)
Winona Ryder from Heathers?

TIM BURTON
The only one.
The one and only.
(looking down)
I guess if you’re 25
she would’ve been in that movie
around then.

JOHNNY
(frowning)
What happens?
Why do we break up?

TIM BURTON
Never mind that now.
None of that shit matters.
What matters is you’re here.

JOHNNY
Today has been nothing but confusion.

TIM BURTON
And I’m afraid no matter the door you chose,
that confusion would continue.
But you’re safe with me here.
You picked a good door.
Your old pal Helena Bonham Carter
is here as well.

The camera pans to Helena, as she stands off by a dead tree, wearing a red and black Victorian dress like always.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER
(waving to Johnny)
Hi.

JOHNNY
Hi.
(to Burton)
What do you want?

TIM BURTON
(raising his arms in the direction
of the throne)
I want you to take that throne.
You deserve it for all you’ve done
for me. You’re practically a ruler
of my kingdom, but I want a
younger Johnny to rule.

JOHNNY
Why?

TIM BURTON
(with impatience in his voice)
Stop asking questions.
Just have a seat.
Trust me.

Johnny takes a seat on the throne.

TIM BURTON
Isn’t that nice? Doesn’t
it just feel right?

JOHNNY
It’s really comfy, but what
else do I do?

TIM BURTON
Nothing. Simply sit and enjoy
the box office success my
films gave you. Revel in
the gluttony of Hollywood
success.

JOHNNY
Won’t this get old?

TIM BURTON
No, you’re Johnny Depp.
Nothing gets old.

JOHNNY
(moving around in throne)
It’s nice, but I have a
feeling this will get boring.

TIM BURTON
You know something, I actually
don’t think you’re a good fit.

JOHNNY
What?

TIM BURTON
Always with the questions.
(shaking head)
Yeah, sorry, I think I may have
been wrong about you.
I’m afraid you’ll have to leave
my kingdom.

JOHNNY
Well, where will I go?
What’s wrong?

TIM BURTON
(angrily)
Stop with the fucking questions!
Just get up and leave!
Go back to page 1.

JOHNNY
Page 1? What?

TIM BURTON
(shouting)
Enough with that!
Questions questions questions!
Go back to page 1,
you bastard. Go back.
Stay away from Door 3.
Just fuck off!

Slightly fearful, Johnny gets up and looks around. He has no idea where to go, but you do. Before Tim Burton gets mad enough to kill Johnny, go back to page 1. For some reason Burton doesn’t want Johnny anymore, so it’s best to leave him alone in his land.

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