Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

b. Decides condoms are probably diseased, tries to leave quietly

It’s obviously not worth it, Johnny decides, as these condoms could be infested with everything under the sun. It being a mad scientist’s layer and all, it could even be a trap, just the kind of trap to lure a young horny dude to his painful doom. He turns to leave and sneak back out when he’s faced with Dr. Pont Du Loc.

The sight startles Johnny so much that he stumbles back into one of the condom box-filled shelves, knocking it off the wall and causing all of the boxes to fall. It’s pretty embarrassing all around.

DR. PONT DU LOC
Oh, I’m sorry. Did I startle you?

JOHNNY
What is all of this?
Who are you?

DR. PONT DU LOC
I’m sure you have a lot more
questions, but I have one for
you as well: Did you really
wander through my research
and development center, which
I’m sure is unfamiliar to you, just
to grab some condoms?
Then again, I’m sure you’re
wondering why a place like
this would have a room full
of condoms in the first place.
Well, here’s my answer: Because
you willed them, Johnny.
This place responds to your
stimuli. Don’t ask me why.

Pause.

JOHNNY
What do you want?

DR. PONT DU LOC
I want what many want:
to control the world.
But I needed you. However,
your choice today has
changed my mind about
using you, simply out of
principle.

JOHNNY
Why?

DR. PONT DU LOC
Because of one simple thing:
You decided against taking
those condoms. It was a wise choice,
for several reasons. One, I had infected
each with a virus that will instantly
cause your penis to detach,
become sentient, grow teeth,
and attempt to eat you. Two,
you proved that you’re not
the unintelligent fool I worried
you might be. You realized
that sex, no matter how great,
simply wasn’t worth the risk.
Well done.  For that, you get to
leave this place untouched and
unused.

Pause.

JOHNNY
Um, okay. Sounds good to me.

DR. PONT DU LOC
(waving hand toward doorway)
Please come this way.

Johnny gets up from the floor and follows the Doctor to the main room where his desk is. The Doctor presses a button on the desk, which causes a bright white ovular portal to open in the center of the room. The Doctor waves Johnny goodbye, smiling oddly, and Johnny waves back awkwardly while stepping into the portal, cautiously.

The portal closes behind him, and Johnny passes out from the combination of the bright white light and the sensation of movement.

INT. DIRTY CHICAGO APARTMENT – DAY

Johnny awakes on the floor in his apartment in Chicago’s Ridge Park neighborhood. The smell of must fills his senses, and he recognizes his shit hole of an apartment because of it. He sits up, wondering if it had all been a dream, venturing to Dr. Pont Du Loc’s lair and all.

Johnny stands up and walks over to his window, and a flock of pigeons flies into it. They all die instantly, falling to the sidewalk below and hitting an old woman walking along. Johnny is left both shocked and unsure of what that means.

THE END

That ending was kind of good, I guess. At least Johnny didn’t screw up. Not sure what the birds were all about, though. Go back to page 1 to shoot for something completely different, or just go back and see if Johnny makes another decision regarding the condoms.

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