Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

b. Persuades his older self to help him, tries to convince him he isn’t worthless

Johnny feels as though there’s an air of hope surrounding his older self. It’s an air the Older Johnny doesn’t want to see, but his younger self can ignite his senses so that he can see it. Johnny isn’t worthless and he knows it; maybe he can influence his older self to join forces and extinguish the evil Dr. Pont Du Loc for good, eradicating him from existence and saving these poor slaves and who knows how many others.

You’re not worthless.
We’re not worthless.
We have something to give the world.

Dr. Pont Du Loc laughs arrogantly.

It’s true, older me.
Look back at your life.
You lived a good one, right?
It certainly sounds like it,
based on what you told me.
You just became jaded
and a bit tired of it all.

(looking down at the ground
True, maybe I’ve just gotten
kind of disillusioned by
all of the fame and fortune.

But you’re much better off
than millions of other Americans,
billions more across the globe.
I look up to you, man.
I hope to be you one day.

(looking back up at Johnny,
tears welling in his eyes)
You–You really mean that?

Yeah, man. I do. You’re
officially my hero.
You’ll be my hero even
more if you help me here today.

(turning to Dr. Pont Du Loc)
Sorry, but he’s right. You
need to die, man. Some people
just gotta go, and you’re
one of those sad bastards.

Dr. Pont Du Loc scowls and growls. He moves over to his desk.

You two can’t kill me.
I’m evil!

Evil can always be
defeated. You’re no

As Johnny and his older self corner Dr. Pont Du Loc, they are approached from behind by the Doctor’s evil human-scissors hybrid monster. The monster is about to stab them with its horrific scissors, which stick out from all over its horrible mass of pink-grey tumorous flesh, an evil manifestation of Johnny Depp’s Edward Scissorhands character, ironically without scissors on its hands.

Right when the monster lifts its arms up to jab them down on both versions of Johnny, a white portal opens up behind it, distracting it. The light is so bright that the entire group goes momentarily blind.

A man steps out, looking to be in his mid-30s, wearing a loose-hanging coat, high shorts, high socks, golf shoes, and amber aviator sunglasses beneath a balding head. A cigarette holder hangs from his lips, the ember from a Dunhill piercing through the bright glow around him. This man is HUNTER S. THOMPSON, the Good Doctor.

Sorry I’m a little late.
Just interviewed David Bowie
for a bit on The Other Side
regarding his perspective
on the death experience.
Death can be a bitch,
but it’s an interesting ride.

Both the human-scissors hybrid and Dr. Pont Du Loc look dumbstruck, unsure of how this is happening or who this man is.

Hunter S. Thompson, taking advantage of this shock, shoots the human-scissors creature between his bright red eyes with his .44. Its head erupts into a spout of green that nearly hits both Johnnies and the Evil Doctor, and Hunter releases a proud laugh.

(to Hunter, pointing at Dr. Pont Du Loc)
Shoot this piece of shit, Hunter.

Nah, that’s too easy a death
for this cocksucker.
He needs to understand
exactly where he belongs

Hunter and the other two Johnnies grab Dr. Pont Du Loc and walk over to the portal from where Hunter emerged. It turns from white to red.

We’ll throw this bastard in there.
It’s, um, some kind of other
world where he’ll forever
feel like he’s drowning,
all while hearing metal
scraping against solid
steel red walls.

How do you know about this place?

Came across it once while traveling
across dimensions. Seems
like the second worst place
below the Nixon Realm.

The group throws the Evil Doctor in as he screams in protest, and he disappears in the red light. The light then turns white again, and Hunter steps inside.

Hey, um, one last thing.
If you see Bill Murray,
tell him that he better
make that shotgun pigeon shooting
golf game I told him about. I’m dying
to see somebody play it.
I’m talking fucking televised tournaments
across the seas. Got it?

Yeah, man. Got it.

Good, Colonel.
I’ll see you some other time,
in some other place,
where the rare and the strange
are the accepted norm.

The portal closes behind him, and both Johnnies immediately start freeing the demon slaves from their cages. All of them are the normal human beings they were before the Dr.’s grasp had changed them, and after much rejoicing, the Johnnies decide they have to return to their worlds.

Walking up to the panel at Dr. Pont Du Loc’s mysterious desk, both Johnnies determine they can each choose to go to their own separate worlds, but they have the ultimate choice: to join each other’s together, living in a world with two Johnny Depps. Older Johnny extends an invitation to return to his world, and Johnny considers it while considering returning to his own world alone; Older Johnny doesn’t want to return with him there, understandably, having a family and Amber Heard and all.

After going over the options, Johnny:

a. Returns to his own world alone (page 22)
b. Ventures to Older Johnny’s world with him (page 23)

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