Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

b. Walks to his apartment to eat some chips and crash on the floor

Johnny finishes the journey to his apartment, relenting to his desire for drunk food and unpleasant sleep on a hard surface. However, as he approaches his street, something about the street he’s on feels entirely unfamiliar. As he walks down the sidewalk, a purple light above a door turns on. Then another, and another, and a fourth and final light. He then finally realizes these doors appear to be responding to his movement.

Johnny stops and looks over at the doors. Something about them lures him to them, the prospect of finding something either sexy or amusingly horrifying behind them. Who knows? Johnny’s always been a bit of an adrenaline junkie, so why not try and open one of these plain brown doors and see where it takes him?

With four doors to choose from, he opens:

a. Door 1 (continue on this page)
b. Door 2 (page 7)
c. Door 3 (page 8)
d. Door 4 (page 9)

a. Door 1

Feeling as though the first door is a solid bet, Johnny walks toward it and twists the long handle. The purple light above the door turns green. Rather than a beautiful woman or a portal to a banging show at The Viper Room, Johnny appears to be looking in the mirror, albeit a particularly older one. Who should he see on the other side of the door but himself, aged in his fifties? He would be shocked and possibly horrified, but based on his appearance he reasons he’ll have aged pretty damn well within the next 25 years.


OLDER JOHNNY stands in a dimly lit red room, surrounded by empty VIP tables in a seemingly abandoned nightclub. He wears a brown leather jacket, a crocodile tooth necklace, black nail polish, faded jeans, and cowboy boots. He also wears a collection of large rings across his hands that appear to have no purpose.

(looking up and offering a one-sided smirk)
Well, Johnny boy, what brings you here?

Are you me?

Looks like you picked the wrong door, my friend.

(he pauses)
are you not me, then?

(walking forward,
holding out his hands)
Let’s just say I could be you. But not here.
And not now.

Look, I don’t speak cryptic.

Oh, but you will.
You will, you youthful buzzard.
Especially once you meet the Good Doctor.

Good Doctor. You mean Hunter S.–

(holding finger up
to his mouth)
Shhh. You have no idea.
There’s a Good Doctor and
a terrible one in this story.

So, what happens now?

You gotta go back to page one.

(confused, squinting)
P-page one? What the hell does that mean?
You mean like square one?

I come into the picture later.
Your readers will know what I mean.

(looking around)
What readers are you talking about?

Older Johnny turns and walks away, deeper into the dark depths of the empty club. He offers a cool mysterious laugh that echoes back toward his younger self.

(to himself)
Page one, what the hell does that mean?

You know what he meant, right? Go back to page 1. You might see Older Johnny again, when you’re supposed to this time. If you want to disobey Older Johnny and cheat, just go up to the door options again and try your luck another few times.

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