Plans for Upcoming Reviews: Kung Fu Insanity

As a little update, I’ll let my relatively small (but growing) number of readers know that I was planning on reviewing a movie suggested to me a few months ago, a little indie film called Republic of Pete, but I just didn’t think it was big enough to warrant a lengthy examination quite yet. If that film reaches audiences to the point where it’s generally regarded as horribly amazing (I will make this an original catch-phrase, dammit!), then I might review it in the future. You can view the entire qualified masterpiece on YouTube, and it has a mediocre 5.9/10 rating on IMDb that can’t possibly be due to nepotistic rating.

In the meantime, I’ve decided to review a bunch of low-budget Kung Fu movies on my Kung Fu 20 Movie Pack, available on Amazon. This is the absolutely testosterone-rush-inducing cover for the pack:

20-movie Kung Fu DVD Pack
Some of the casts listed Jackie Chan as well, but it looks like it was his completely nonidentical clone who happened to share the name.

I’ve cherished these films for years and want to spread the amazingness to the rest of the filmgoers out there. Even though I remember getting this collection at 14 years old thinking the great Bruce Lee would be in there only to mistake the amazing “Bruce Li” for him, I’ve come to adore every single movie in this. My first review will be for the 1990 Godfrey Ho classic Ninja Empire, which should be up by the end of the night tomorrow (between 12-1am CST, because I’m sure you’ll be sitting by your screens for hours, rocking back and forth while sucking your thumbs in anticipation).

As a matter of fact, I’ll compile a full list right now of the films I’ll cover from my collection, some of the absolute best of the bunch (most have either “Ninja” or “Death” in the title, interestingly):

1. Ninja Empire – 1990

2. Ninja Death I – 1987 (don’t know why the sequel isn’t on here)

3. Ninja The Protector – 1986

4. Ninja Champion – 1985

5. Death Machines – 1976

6. Hands of Death – 1987

7. The Weapons of Death – 1982

8. Four Robbers – 1987

While most guys will be busy going out with friends and family or making love to their girlfriends, I’ll be busy guzzling gallons of booze while watching and writing about these award-worthy films for the next couple of months. I promise that all those others will envy my experience. Oh yes, they will.

Keyword Searches That Bring People to This Beautiful Place

I regularly monitor my site, either here on the website or through Google Webmaster Tools (which has recently stopped reporting anything somehow), and while Google doesn’t reveal many keyword searches, it occasionally lets a few slip through, while Bing and Yahoo! don’t hide shit.

I find it amusing how you amazing people find my horribly amazing site, and thought I’d share some of the glorious searches that seem to lure you into this nectarous trap of lengthy film reviews.

Here are some of the more notable phrases (starting with the most popular):

  • alien impregnation stories – 3 searches for this amazing phrase. Good to know my Breeders review is attracting intellectuals who want to explore the deep rhetorical debates about whether people can carry interspecies offspring.
  • alien tentacle rape video – 2 searches. Again, happy to know the brightest guys looking for great science-fiction stories and films, on par with Philip K. Dick’s best work, are finding their way here.
  • pictures nd steps of how a girl can lose her virginity in nom one nite in nude images – 2 searches. Okay, now I’m beginning to think the site is mistakenly picking up multiple instances of a one-time search, but I’d like to believe that a couple people wanting to learn about the magic of first-time sexual experiences are finding my Breeders review this way.
  • home made custom martial art fighting mechanical robot – 1 search (they all will be at this point). Innovators of the future who are constructing state-of-the-art military robots are discovering my R.O.T.O.R. review. Hope you learned something, buddy.
  • what’s the name of the movie with an alien that lives under the water tower?Breeders, although it doesn’t live under a water tower, it just climbs down a small one on a hospital roof, and tries to sneak up on and rape two women with a tentacle arm penis thing. But it’s close!
  • “the pest” pants – Not sure why this was searched, though I suppose John Leguizamo’s orange-red workout pants (which he pisses in at some point) are extremely flattering throughout The Pest. I can see why you’d want to emulate him with a pair of your own.

Rug pissing in the Pest

  • my lady is a poodle curse – I don’t know, but I hope you learned more about whatever problem or solution you were looking for!
  • alien comes out of stomach – Doesn’t happen in the flawless Breeders, but it does happen in that other vastly inferior alien film, Alien.
  • pie face – Nice!
  • sex files movie tentacles – Another sci-fi fan, I see!
  • sap jam nude nips – ?
  • what is the movie called.about a gingerbread man who is evil and.cutw odf a ladies finger – A great specific search. Thanks for finding my Gingerdead Man review and not something about another movie where that happens.
  • she cut off her finger – Seems out of context of anything, but happy you found my Gingerdead Man review as well!
  • gingerdead man frosting scene – It’s awesome knowing somebody out there finds that scene as interesting to watch as I do.

Woman squeezing icing on cake in Gingerdead Man

  • ghost of mars head off scene – There’s actually quite a few of those in there.
  • was darla’s roadhouse in the identical the same building in roadhouse movie – I doubt it, but I guess I’m glad this matters to somebody somewhere.

This is pretty much all I can gather for now, but I might update with some more sensational searches in the future.

The Identical (2014) Review

2014 was a great year for Christian movies, with instant faith-based classics such as God’s Not Dead and Kirk Cameron’s deeply underrated Saving Christmas (which I will review eventually) making the rounds. But the one that appears most superior and an instant classic on par with Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life is Dustin Marcellino’s The Identical.

Now, readers here may not have known this until now, but I’ve been an atheist ever since I was born. I’ve never bought into religion. It’s been entirely wiped clean from my perception for the most part, but when I happen to catch films like The Identical, I get that much closer to seeing the light. Maybe the Lord has been weeping in my absence, throwing these Christian films in my way to get me to convert, and I have to say it’s working. I bought a cross to hang from my car’s rearview mirror, and although I don’t quite know why I have it, it feels good to know that it’s there, and it’s because of this film that I have it.

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