d. Tells the bartender to go fuck himself and hits on the woman next to him

JOHNNY
Go fuck yourself.

BARTENDER
Excuse me?

JOHNNY
You heard me.
(to pretty woman next to him)
So, what brings you out here tonight?

BARTENDER
I’m gonna have to ask you to leave, buddy.

JOHNNY
I told you, I’m Johnny Depp.
You can’t tell me to do shit.

BARTENDER
And I told you, I don’t know
who the hell that is.
So, pay and leave, please.

JOHNNY
All right, fine, you fucking fascist.

Johnny pays the tab and tip, and chats with the woman some more before leaving. The camera pans back and away as the woman laughs at something Johnny says that probably isn’t necessarily very funny, but because he’s handsome, he gets a pass.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAME RAINY CHICAGO STREET – NIGHT

Johnny walks with the woman from the bar as she continues to laugh at his not-particularly-funny comments.

JOHNNY
So, I’ll head over to your apartment, all right?
I just need to pick up some condoms.

WOMAN
Okay.

JOHNNY
(pointing)
It’s just down the street here, across on the right there?

WOMAN
Yep, one-twelve, apartment 1B. I’ll be there.

JOHNNY
Sounds good.
Johnny just needs to pick up some johnnies.

The woman laughs and heads off across the street to her apartment when she could’ve simply stayed put. Regardless, Johnny continues on his way to the pharmacy about a block farther down the street.

JOHNNY
(to himself)
Why couldn’t she just wait for me?
I’ll be in and out in like two minutes.

He then laughs at the double-entendre of that last sentence. He then briefly wonders why this woman—even he forgot her name—insisted they go to her place.

As he approaches the street corner and turns right, the streetlights all around him go out.

JOHNNY
(quietly to himself)
What the hell?

As he stands in complete darkness, he begins to panic. Then the lights turn back on and the street ahead leads to a pit of infinite darkness. He considers turning back, but the pit lures him, and he walks toward it. Eventually, the threshold between the street and pit of darkness is crossed, and Johnny stands still. The street behind him disappears, and he’s entirely enveloped by the blackest black.

EXT. EVIL ISLAND

A light flickers ahead, bright green neon. Is it the pharmacy? Nope, it’s something else. It’s a sign that reads “EVIL ISLAND RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT CENTER”.

JOHNNY
(to himself)
This is just one big night of ‘what the hell.’

Looking inside, Johnny sees a front desk and what looks like a long hall that leads to an impact door. In fact, to him it looks like a clinic of some kind. Just the place for condoms, right?

Johnny walks over to the desk, and peers over it, only to see an empty chair and no signs of life. He walks around and begins to make his way down the lone hallway toward the impact doors. As he grows closer, pained moans grow louder. He stops in place for a moment, thinking about turning back.

JOHNNY
(to himself)
Do I really want condoms this badly?

It doesn’t take much thought before he decides he does and continues forward. He slowly opens the impact doors, which resemble those found in a typical hospital emergency room hallway.

He opens them all the way and faces a highly unexpected sight. First, in this dark, large cave of a room, Johnny sees a group of moaning slaves to the left that appear to be hunched over, apelike men with brown and white claylike markings on their face, each in a separate adjacent metal cage. To the right, in the center of the room, sits a man with stringy, horribly messy orange-yellow hair, without any other part of him visible. A blue light glows in front of him from his desk. It’s unclear what he’s working on. And to the right of him sits an ordinary office door, cracked open. Johnny believes the condoms may be in there.

Taking a moment to let all of this sink in, Johnny then:

a. Turns back and runs away before shit can go down (continue on this page)
b. Tries to free slaves (page 10)
c. Confronts the man at the desk (page 11)
d. Continues his search for condoms through the open door (page 12)

a. Turns back and runs away before shit can go down

Feeling as though there’s nothing he can do to help those pitiful slaves in their cages, hopeless in regards to confronting the likely megalomaniacal madman at the desk, and believing the prospect of sex isn’t enough to warrant further searching in this bizarre cave-clinic combo, Johnny turns around and darts through the impact doors to the end of the hall.

He makes it out of the facility and runs toward the rock-laden beach, which offers no portal of blackness to his own familiar world. Regardless, he continues to run until he steps into an empty black hole. Could this be the portal he was hoping to find?

As Johnny falls, he thinks for a moment about how he wound up in this situation, replaying the events that got him there. All he can think is that sex was the bastard of a culprit, the entire reason for his perils this evening. Before he can truly start to think about how he could’ve avoided this situation, Johnny lands in a vat of rusty saws and dies instantly. In the last nanosecond before perishing, Johnny’s final sensory experience is hearing an evil laugh. It would appear that Dr. Pont Du Loc had been aware of his presence the entire time.

THE END

Return to page 1 for something potentially different, and possibly a little less sex-oriented.