Understanding the Enigmatic Art of Nick Bolton

Several years ago, I discovered upon happenstance the YouTube channel belonging to one Nick Bolton, an apparently English bloke who had uploaded archives of artistic experimentation from the ’90s, with a couple others as recent as 2012. I had inadvertently stumbled into a world of wonder beyond my limited imagination. It was as if I had seen a tear in the fabric of the universe itself and pried it open with my bare hands to peer into the other side, discovering something greater than I could even comprehend.

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Try the Tasting Room for Tons of Wine

Alright, I’ll start by saying that I’m posting another review sometime this weekend, this time for Godfrey Ho’s magnum opus Hands of Death. But for now, I want to talk about wine.

Do you like wine? Does the idea of a good wine consume your every being? Is it your philosophy: the yin and yang of white and red forever intertwined? Does a five-foot bottle walk into your bedroom in the middle of the night shouting “Mommy!” even if you’re a single guy without a kid and you just want to get some sleep? Do you find yourself in the office at around 5 going completely catatonic, unable to think about anything but wine pouring over your brain and through every vein as you drool on your desk, your ears bleed red wine, and the coworker next to you thinks you’re having an aneurysm? Well, I’ve got the perfect solution to help cure all of your wine needs: get regular or semi-regular shipments of wine.

cersei-wine-drink

The Tasting Room is a company that figures out your tastes in wine and sends shipments of 2, 6 or 12 bottles to your door based on your selections. The way it works is you can sign up for a free membership, and get a tasting kit of 6 mini bottles (that kit is also free if you sign up through my link back there), and then you rate the wines like Netflix movies. The Tasting Room will recommend wine selections based on your ratings, and you can order a shipment anytime within the next three months to your door. You can mix whites and reds, or simply get a shipment of all whites or reds if you’re a racist. Bottles usually cost a little under $13 apiece.

Once you become a member, you can get $20 off your next wine order if you share your specific referral link and get others to become members.

It’s a great deal, and if you’re a wino who doesn’t take advantage of this, you’re probably actually a wimoron.

Hannibal Lecter drinking wine delicately
Be like this guy, who’s probably the best man you’ll ever meet.

Give an Affiliate Network a Shot!

Okay, so I’m not the kind of guy who loves to advertise a bunch, but I recently signed up for LinkShare, which is now the Rakuten Affiliate Network. I figured I could use some extra monies, and I’ve known a bit about affiliate networking for a while, so why not? So far I’m liking the layout of the Rakuten platform.

Unfortunately, WordPress.com, as you may know, doesn’t give bloggers the ability to put image ads on their blogs, and WordAds is still under development, so in the meantime, all we’ve got working in our favor are affiliate text links. I’ll just go ahead and place this thing here now to get it out of the way: Come Join the #1 Affiliate Network!

Now, it’s completely free to sign up for LinkSh––Rakuten Affiliate Network, and you can find tons of links from a variety of advertisers to put on your website, as well as image ads such as banners. It’s a great way for us useless bloggers to make money, and if your platform allows image ads, all the better. I wish I could put some Rifftrax ads up here, but I may just have to switch over to .org before that beautiful dream becomes a reality.

happy affiliate woman
I thought this post could use an image, so here’s a borderline psychotic happy affiliate, whom I hope I never meet.

The Rakuten website is really easy to use, and while I’m still looking for the perfect linking opportunities (hard to do for a blog about films and nothing else… well, except for Rakuten now), it looks like I may have a bright future with this site, and figured I’d share. Plus, if you join through that link up there, I might get something, and if you share their link once you sign up, you may be able to do the same. It’s a cycle of awkward advertising, but here’s to hoping it works in our favor.

The Magic of Blogs with Pagination

Okay, so readers on my blog already know they can safely expect my reviews to reach around a 6,000-word minimum for the most part. Well, one of the main reasons my latest review became my longest (a whopping ~8,500) is because while reviewing the film, I was to understand the film was only around 57 minutes long, based on the length of the DVD rip on my computer—which was taken from my personal kung fu DVD collection, I might add to avoid those copyright sirens, whatever those sound like. I’m sure Godfrey Ho and IFD Films are really out to sue.

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Keyword Searches That Bring People to This Beautiful Place

I regularly monitor my site, either here on the website or through Google Webmaster Tools (which has recently stopped reporting anything somehow), and while Google doesn’t reveal many keyword searches, it occasionally lets a few slip through, while Bing and Yahoo! don’t hide shit.

I find it amusing how you amazing people find my horribly amazing site, and thought I’d share some of the glorious searches that seem to lure you into this nectarous trap of lengthy film reviews.

Here are some of the more notable phrases (starting with the most popular):

  • alien impregnation stories – 3 searches for this amazing phrase. Good to know my Breeders review is attracting intellectuals who want to explore the deep rhetorical debates about whether people can carry interspecies offspring.
  • alien tentacle rape video – 2 searches. Again, happy to know the brightest guys looking for great science-fiction stories and films, on par with Philip K. Dick’s best work, are finding their way here.
  • pictures nd steps of how a girl can lose her virginity in nom one nite in nude images – 2 searches. Okay, now I’m beginning to think the site is mistakenly picking up multiple instances of a one-time search, but I’d like to believe that a couple people wanting to learn about the magic of first-time sexual experiences are finding my Breeders review this way.
  • home made custom martial art fighting mechanical robot – 1 search (they all will be at this point). Innovators of the future who are constructing state-of-the-art military robots are discovering my R.O.T.O.R. review. Hope you learned something, buddy.
  • what’s the name of the movie with an alien that lives under the water tower?Breeders, although it doesn’t live under a water tower, it just climbs down a small one on a hospital roof, and tries to sneak up on and rape two women with a tentacle arm penis thing. But it’s close!
  • “the pest” pants – Not sure why this was searched, though I suppose John Leguizamo’s orange-red workout pants (which he pisses in at some point) are extremely flattering throughout The Pest. I can see why you’d want to emulate him with a pair of your own.

Rug pissing in the Pest

  • my lady is a poodle curse – I don’t know, but I hope you learned more about whatever problem or solution you were looking for!
  • alien comes out of stomach – Doesn’t happen in the flawless Breeders, but it does happen in that other vastly inferior alien film, Alien.
  • pie face – Nice!
  • sex files movie tentacles – Another sci-fi fan, I see!
  • sap jam nude nips – ?
  • what is the movie called.about a gingerbread man who is evil and.cutw odf a ladies finger – A great specific search. Thanks for finding my Gingerdead Man review and not something about another movie where that happens.
  • she cut off her finger – Seems out of context of anything, but happy you found my Gingerdead Man review as well!
  • gingerdead man frosting scene – It’s awesome knowing somebody out there finds that scene as interesting to watch as I do.

Woman squeezing icing on cake in Gingerdead Man

  • ghost of mars head off scene – There’s actually quite a few of those in there.
  • was darla’s roadhouse in the identical the same building in roadhouse movie – I doubt it, but I guess I’m glad this matters to somebody somewhere.

This is pretty much all I can gather for now, but I might update with some more sensational searches in the future.

Now on Twitter! Whoop-de-Doo!

Guess what? Well, based on the title you probably already know what and that question was useless, but I didn’t post the link to our page in it, so here you go! Remember, it’s @HorribleAmazing with an “e” not a “y” in the middle because someone took @HorriblyAmazing first.

If you have any review suggestions, feel free to Tweet ’em to me and I’ll definitely watch them, enjoy them like the priceless polished gems they likely are, and consider reviewing them. And if you follow me, I’ll gladly follow you, as long as you’re not a suspiciously lonely beautiful woman with “18” at the end of your name.

Also don’t forget we’re also on Facebook, where you’ll see a post about how we’re now on Twitter! Kind of a full circle thing. And thanks for visiting, of course!