b. Wonders why he feels younger

Looking down at his glass, Johnny feels that he should be older. A thought occurs to him that it’s 2016 if his memory serves him right, and that he should probably be around 50 based on the fact he was born in 1963, but looking at his hands they appear to be those of a man half that age. He also remembers being in episodes of 21 Jump Street recently for some reason, but that’s impossible because that was over 20 years ago.

Johnny looks up at the bartender.

JOHNNY
Excuse me, but did you drop acid in my drink?

BARTENDER
(deeply confused)
What? What do you mean?

JOHNNY
(calmly)
You bastard, you put LSD in my whiskey.

BARTENDER
(leaning in)
Alright, I’m cutting you off.

JOHNNY
(leaning in, squinting)
You can’t cut me off, man.
I’m Johnny Depp, dammit.

BARTENDER
(looking at woman sitting next to Johnny)
Is that a name I should know?

Johnny pauses, looks back down at his glass.

JOHNNY
You’ve never seen Pirates of the Caribbean?

BARTENDER
What, the ride? Are you like one of the guides?

JOHNNY
No, I’m… I was Captain Jack Sparrow.
(to himself)
Wasn’t I?

BARTENDER
(backing away)
Okay then. I think it’s time to close you out.

Johnny doesn’t protest, and simply stares at his glass, finishing off the last sip. The bartender closes him out, giving him his card, and Johnny leaves the bar feeling dejected and unsure of himself.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAME RAINY CHICAGO STREET

Did the bartender know about 21 Jump Street? Was that real? He wanders down Clark Street, asking this world of questions to himself, fearing that the universe won’t answer. As he walks, a purple light switches on above a door directly to his right. He ignores it, and keeps strolling. Then another purple light turns on just as he passes it. Then another. And another. He realizes that these lights seem to be responding to his movements, and looks to his right. A row of metal doors on a brick building, each with a purple lightbulb attached directly above it, beckon him.

Feeling relatively purposeless and with nothing else to do that night, Johnny feels inclined to open one of the doors, scanning from right to left. He opens:

a. Door 1 (continue on this page)
b. Door 2 (page 7)
c. Door 3 (page 8)
d. Door 4 (page 9)

a. Door 1

Johnny walks up to the first door and opens it. The light turns blue and he enters with one foot, stepping into a pulsing nightclub.

INT. LIVELY NIGHTCLUB

A DJ plays house music on the stage as everyone dances with their shirts off, men and women alike. With breasts bouncing and pecs flexing all over the place, Johnny looks around and considers joining the party. It looks rather nice, what with a ton of attractive flesh flopping around everywhere, and so he walks all the way inside.

The door shuts behind him and fades away, leaving him trapped in this nightclub. He heads to the bar. A bartender with dated spiked black hair walks up to him and smiles.

BARTENDER
What would you like, bro?

JOHNNY
Wild Turkey and some badass rock,
none of this electronic shit.
Everything else is badass, though.

BARTENDER
(scowling and appearing confused)
Okay, first of all, we don’t have Wild Turkey.
That’s redneck liquor.
Secondly, if you don’t like house music,
then get the fuck out of here.

Johnny grabs a glass from the guy sitting next to him, hops over the bar, and smashes it on the bartender’s head. What was once a potentially pleasant night turns into chaos as Johnny gets into a fight with the bouncers, who eventually overpower him, cause the door to fade back into existence, and toss him out into a black endless void.

As Johnny falls into eternity, looking up at the door as it grows smaller and smaller, he ponders how he ended up in this situation, and succumbs to hopelessness as he hears evil laughter from deep within the darkness. Perhaps this was the universe’s retribution for some of his lesser films, he jokes inside, the last joke he’ll ever think about.

THE END

Return to page 1 to take Johnny on a potentially less pointless and depressing journey.