Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

a. Sacrifices woman as sex slave in exchange for release

Johnny turns to the Doc and nods.

Joom. Joom. Doom.

(shouting at Johnny)
You asshole! You selfish asshole!
How could you? I have no
idea what this guy could do to me.
Just look at him. Look!
He’s a monster!

I’ve been called worse, darling.
Looks like Johnny’s made his choice.
He’d rather be the man he was
than save a damsel in distress.
I guess he’s not the hero
his film roles would have you
believe, after all. Although,
Whitey Bulger was admirably evil.

The Doctor grabs the woman’s arm and pulls her toward him, as she shrieks in fear. The Doctor opens the portal to Johnny’s world, amazingly keeping his word. Johnny, still skeptical, approaches the portal.

(to Johnny)
I may see you again in the future.
Don’t hold your breath.
But thanks for the broad.

The Doctor laughs with much malice and the woman continues to scream as Johnny backs up into the portal, and is surrounded by a blinding white light as the portal closes.

Johnny worries he’s made the wrong choice as he passes out from the intense brightness and the nearly unbearable sensation of movement.



Johnny awakens from his brief slumber, and struggles to stand.

(to himself)
I need a drink.

To his surprise, he notices that instead of a mouthful of inexplicable “goom”‘s and other nonexistent words that rhyme with them, he is actually able to form words again. He looks at his hands and finds them to be furless and human once again. He begins laughing, and a man walking down the sidewalk looks in Johnny’s direction and flashes a look of confusion.

At the same time, the horrors the woman he left behind begin to hit his mind with instant regret. His laughter turns into a solemn stare directed at the pavement as rain patters down. He rises to get a drink at his favorite bar.



Johnny sits and tries to drink enough Wild Turkey to forget the events that took place at Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island. Unfortunately, it seems he only confronts the memories more and more with each drink added to his tab. He finishes five glasses in the span of an hour before asking the bartender a most unusual question.

Have you ever, um, left a woman
to be an evil doctor person’s sex slave
in some research and development center
on an evil island?

The bartender pauses for a moment, looking at the brunette woman sitting beside Johnny, who wears a purely perplexed face.

(to Johnny)
I think it’s time to cut you off, buddy.

Answer the question.

(looking at woman, confused)
Well, uh, no. Thankfully, I haven’t.

Well, I have, and it sucks.
I probably won’t be able to sleep
for years. It’s a real bitch on
my conscience now.

I’d hope so. That sounds horrendous.
Let me get your tab.
(turning to brunette)
Mr. Movie Star has to think
about how he left a sex slave
for an evil man.
That’s a lot to ponder.

The bartender gets the tab and brings it to Johnny.

Just curious, why’d you
do it?

Because either she was going
to be a sex slave, or I was
gonna be an ape slave.

Ooookay. Yep, you should probably
go home and sleep this off.
Just some friendly advice.

Have you listened to a fucking
thing that’s come from within
my mouth, man?
I can’t sleep this off.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able
to sleep again, period.

Well, pay the tab and you’re
free to go talk to
whoever else you want
to about this little thing.

You know what, no. There’s only
one way I’m gonna be able to
sleep, and that’s if I sleep

I’m… not sure I follow.

Johnny proceeds to leap over the bar, punch the bartender and knock him out, grab the bottle of Wild Turkey 101 and drink it all in a single sitting. The brunette freaks out, throws money to pay for her tab and tip, and promptly leaves the bar.

After the bottle is finished, Johnny drinks a full bottle of Smirnoff and proceeds to fall on the floor, blacked out. Because the bartender also serves as the manager for the night and is knocked out cold, there’s no one else in the bar to give Johnny the medical attention he needs in time, and he perishes from alcohol poisoning.


That was rather depressing, wasn’t it? Why don’t you go back to the previous page and try this again, or go back to page 1 to give the whole thing another shot?

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