Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

b. Sides with Pont Du Loc, and alerts him to the woman’s presence

The loyalty Johnny feels for Dr. Pont Du Loc is simply too strong for him to resist. He succumbs to the desire to protect his master, and attempts to stop the intruding woman.

(pounding fists
on the ground)
Poom! Poom! Doom!

The woman gasps, looking in Johnny’s direction, and the Doctor turns around to face the woman. The Doctor calls for his man-scissors hybrid –the terribly misshapen creature that the Doctor spawned from a distortion of Johnny’s Edward Scissorhands character – and the monster comes running into the room. The woman screams upon seeing this hideous thing, with tips of scissors poking out beneath grotesque swollen pink-grey flesh, and attempts to run around it and escape. The creature then grabs the woman, hitting her on the back of the head to knock her out.

It seems this woman is destined to join the ranks as another slave, albeit one less important than Johnny, one of the ones in the warehouse-sized branch of the cave to the right of the main room, where countless slaves are condemned to do nothing but serve as power supplies for the evil Doctor. Rows of cages sit next to each other and stacked on top, to be forever neglected in misery. This poor woman faces a fate so dire it tears at what little humanity remains in Johnny’s broken psyche.

As the man-scissors hybrid snarls and walks away with the woman into the main slave quarters, Dr. Pont Du Loc walks over to Johnny’s cage and throws him a clam. Johnny snatches it hungrily, the only food source the Doctor can provide for his slaves, being the sole food source available on or near the island.

Good boy. Good boy, Johnny.
I’m glad to have you among
my army of eternal servants.

Koom. Koom. Loom hoom.

Yes, slave. It is good to be a
slave. It is very good, indeed.

(with large, watery
and puppy-ish eyes)
Coom? Coom?

(shaking head)
No, slave. No more clams for now.
But the next time you do
something like this,
I’ll give you another.

Johnny releases a soft whimper, to which the Doctor responds with an equally soft sinister snicker.

The Doctor walks back over to his desk and sits, returning to his “work.”

(to Johnny)
Now, Johnny. Now that you
are awake to see me at work,
you can see me open
the portal to your world,
which you’ve allowed me to do.
And there’s nothing you can do.

And so the Doctor presses a green button in the center of his desk, which sucks the remaining power from Johnny and the other five slaves in the room and places it all directly into the portal, which opens in the center of the room. It’s large and white, and a compilation of Johnny Depp’s roles throughout his entire career plays on it like a screen.

This is the portal.
Your handy work.
I thank you, slave.

The Doctor walks up to the portal and enters, slipping through. The portal closes behind him, as Johnny sees his character from Cry-Baby release a single tear against a black background as the portal closes around the image.

It is done. The world will now become Dr. Pont Du Loc’s evil playground. He may even name it “Evil Playground” for all we know. The horrors that lie on the other side of that portal, and those soon to come through the eons, are uncertain for Johnny, but he knows this is all his doing.

It is Johnny’s choices the night he arrived that brought the world to the evil Dr. Pont Du Loc. How did it come to this?

Johnny sits against the wall of his cage and cries, groaning in pain like his new brethren, contemplating what it truly means to feel miserable and alone for eternity. Eventually, he will get used to it.


Go back to page 1 to try not to fuck things up so much for Johnny and the rest of the world. Or, you know, just go back a couple pages and make different choices. This is probably the most hopeless ending, by the way. Congrats.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s