Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

b. Lunge toward the man-scissors hybrid, attacking it

Johnny refuses to let his emotions get in the way of his escape. He’s turned on action hero mode and blinds himself from thought as he lunges toward the man-scissors hybrid. Clearly thought wasn’t really a factor in this choice, because while jumping in the air, throwing himself at this monster, the man-scissors hybrid anticipates the fall and sticks his chest out. Dozens of sharp scissor tips protrude, waiting for Johnny to land on them, and he does just this with an incredible thunk and subsequent gasp.

The man-scissors hybrid walks forward with Johnny stuck like a pig on his chest, bleeding profusely and dreading his undignified death.

You’re a man made of scissors.
How could I be so stupid?
I fucking jumped on a man made of scissors.

It’s… okay… Johnny.
We… all… make… mistakes… sometimes.

(struggling through the pain)
Am I going to become a slave now?

No. You… are too… damaged.
You… have… scissors… sticking…
out… of… your… back.
You’re… bleeding… too… much.
Too… much… organ damage.
Instead… I must… eat… you.

(coughing up blood)
Well, at least I served a purpose, right?

Johnny emits a weak, ironic laugh.

I… suppose… so.

(spitting gobs of blood
in the creature’s face)
Do what you gotta do.

The man-scissors hybrid proceeds to remove Johnny from his scissors, placing him on the ground. He then uses his larger scissor tips to cut off various body parts and eat them with a massive mouth filled with rows of little scissor teeth. Johnny watches tiredly as the creature devours his limbs and organs one by one, no longer feeling pain as much as confusion about how a normal night at a bar came to this.


Go back to page 1 if you want to see another possible outcome that isn’t as outlandish, or possibly even more so. Or you could always just cheat, go back, and pick another option. Whatever.

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