Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

c. Falls asleep on the street

The idea of passing out on hard asphalt couldn’t be more tantalizing on this cold night. Johnny pays the tab and tip, and gets up to walk outside. He stumbles at the door for a moment, which causes the woman at the bar to giggle. Johnny offers a suave smile to compensate.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAME RAINY CHICAGO STREET – NIGHT

Johnny finds a nice spot to lie down on the wet pavement on Clark Street. He wishes a camera was there to film him as the desperate drunkard. He lies on his back, looking up at the sky beyond an orange streetlight, pondering what lies beyond the wall of the universe.

JOHNNY
(to himself)
Who am I? What,
(pause)
What’s it all about?
What is this universe?

Before an answer to any of these can arrive like a bolt of lightning, Johnny loses consciousness and remains motionless on the street, the rain patting him in a massaging rhythm.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN

EXT. EVIL ISLAND – NIGHT

Johnny awakes on something much more jagged and sharper than pavement. He thinks at first it might be some bizarre and alarming side effect of his hangover, but when he looks around him he sees a bed of rocks and an ocean glazed with violent waves to his left. He stands and looks opposite the beach, full of confusion, and sees the glowing green neon sign that reads “EVIL ISLAND RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT CENTER” above an ordinary clinic-type building.

He looks around to see if there are any other buildings in which he can take shelter, something that might not be labeled “Evil”, but he sees nothing nearby. He walks inside of the R&D center.

INT. EVIL ISLAND R&D CENTER

Johnny stops in the lobby and looks around. He sees an empty reception desk, an ordinary waiting room, and a long hallway to the left of the desk that reaches solid-looking impact doors. First, he moves toward the desk. He sees nothing apart from an empty chair.

JOHNNY
Hello? Anybody here?

There is no answer, but he decides to investigate further, and starts down the single hallway toward the doors. Cautiously, he opens them and sees something quite unexpected: a group of apelike slave men groaning in agony in a large cave of a room, each in rags with brown and white claylike markings on their faces, held in separate metal cages, and to the right, in the center of the room, a man at a desk with stringy orange-yellow hair. The man appears to be working on something, with a cold blue glow emanating from an object on the desk.

After taking a minute to digest the scene, Johnny:

a. Runs away before anything else can happen (continue on this page)
b. Tries to free slaves (page 10)
c. Confronts the man at the desk (page 11)

a. Runs away before anything else can happen

Rather than attempt any kind of heroic action, or speak to the mystery man at the desk and inquire about what he’s seen, Johnny decides that running in an adrenaline rush is his best bet for survival.

Johnny heads out the impact doors, darting toward the lobby, governed by nothing but unadulterated fear.

EXT. EVIL ISLAND

He dashes outside back into the rain, and turns right. He tries to maintain his footing on the rocks, but stumbles for a moment. He trips for about 15 feet before he takes a final step off the edge of a cliff he didn’t see, and when his other foot steps off, he remains suspended in the air for a moment to consider his predicament before falling. He makes cartoony faces as he falls, akin to his character Mortdecai, albeit without the mustache to add to the humor.

Johnny hears the sound of maniacal laughter seemingly coming from within his own head, and comes to the conclusion milliseconds before falling that the man at the desk had known of his presence the entire time. This was his fate now, as he had made the wrong choice. Unfortunately, he won’t likely live from this cliff fall unlike his character of immortal vampire Barnabas in Dark Shadows. Nope, he’s fucked.

He hits the ground with a whacky splat. His guts spread out in a radial pattern.

THE END

Want an ending that’s a little less of a confusing mix of cartoon and tragedy? Johnny could stay alive if you go back to page 1. Or just… choose one of the two other options above this one.

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