If you’re not currently aware, Star Wars Episode VIII director Rian Johnson took this photo of a lone robe on a coat hanger in the middle of some rocky area.
There have been many interpretations regarding what this could mean, including that it may indicate that Luke Skywalker is dead, or that this robe is Rey’s, meaning that Luke is training her in the ways of the Jedi.
But I disagree with those theories for several reasons. Here are my interpretations of what this photo could bring to the Star Wars universe in the next chapter.
1. The Next Star Wars Involves the Faking of the Apollo Moon Landing
While that famous title card before each film tells us that events take place “a long time ago in a galaxy far far away,” what if “a long time ago” at this point in the timeline is in the 1960s and while the film starts in a galaxy far far away, the characters make it back to our own via a conveniently placed wormhole?
I think this photo—based on the crater-like rocky set and film equipment present—could indicate that the Jedi, including either Luke or Rey, travel to our galaxy and wind up taking part in a simulation of the Apollo moon landing. I mean, we all know it didn’t really happen and that Stanley Kubrick was responsible for filming it, but what if the Jedi played a key role in the simulation?
Perhaps the Jedi crash-land on Earth, the U.S. government retrieves their spacecraft, imprisons and studies them through rigorous and painful testing, and they are then forced to use their Force powers to help simulate moon gravity when filming the landing scene. Imagine Rey or Luke being required to exhaustively use telekinetic Force powers to lift and lower the astronauts on set, as Kubrick obsessively films away. Then Kubrick, being the perfectionist he was, would tire Rey and Luke with take after take until they collapsed, barking order after order even after they’re rendered unconscious. It could be quite dramatic.
In the end, the film could be about the Jedi attempting to escape from the grips of Kubrick and the hawk-eyed American government, with the help of a wormhole-hijacking Finn and Co., of course. Our Darth Vader figures this round could be Richard Nixon and LBJ.
2. Episode VIII Will Be About a Sentient Lost Robe
Do robes have consciousnesses in the Star Wars universe? If a fucking penis tool-wielding blue-and-white trashcan that bleeps and bloops can, I can believe this is perfectly possible.
Just look at the robe in that photo. It reeks of unadulterated sadness, stuck without any wearer to complement it and give it purpose. Imagine this robe wandering the deserts of Tattooheroin, trying to find its owner, constantly questioning what it is and why it exists if it has no owner to don it. Talk about identity issues.
Would a robe choose the Light or Dark Side? Good question. The Star Wars universe hasn’t explored this concept very much yet, but this premise could bring about the existential torment that lost clothing might experience if given sentience and Force powers. Would it be resentful of the Jedi that created it solely to suffer without any sense of identity, an allegory for the struggles many people face in the real world with regards to faith in God? Or will it find a way to stand on its own as something more than mere cloth? For all we know, we might see a Jedi fight his or her own robe that has found misplaced solace in the Dark Side.
All potentially intense ideas that could revolve around our robe protagonist.
3. C-3PO and R2D2 Will Be Replaced by a Boom Mic with a Water Bottle and a Light, Respectively
C-3PO and R2D2 weren’t really around in The Force Awakens, but perhaps that’s because they’re obsolete. Maybe the new droids resemble (or are) self-aware boom mics and lights, following Rey or Luke around.
Imagine the comic relief that Boom Mic could provide in a relatively stark story as Kylo Ren continues to wreak havoc across the galaxy, while Light floats around flickering on and off to indicate trouble nearby. Boom Mic could hover around with its attached speaker while contemplating why it has to lug around a water bottle even though it can’t drink (the bottle could be for Rey).
I foresee some cute scenes with the Light Bot playing around or even flirting with BB-8 as they bloop-bloop together, establishing potentially the first homosexual robot relationship in cinema, depending on whether either identifies as a specific gender. However, you should keep in mind that Bill Hader does the blooping for BB-8, so they’d likely be gay if Light Bot is a dude.
4. The Rapture Happens
There’s no arguing that the whole Light Side vs. Dark Side battle, plus the Order 66 thing in Episode III, seem to reference the Christian paradigms of Heaven and Hell, so it’s not entirely unbelievable that something like Left Behind could happen in the Star Wars universe, as evidenced by the robe no longer clothing its raptured Jedi.
Naturally, all of the loyal Jedi would be sucked into Heaven’s tractor beam while all of those Dark Siders and stupid powerless filth citizens would remain on whatever hell planet they’ve been condemned to.
The film could depict the galaxy as ruled by the Sith, wherein they kill every single non-Sith person until there’s no one left, including any putrid younglings. Eventually, they kill every single person, before they get bored with each other and begin killing their own kin, resulting in an epic battle between Kylo Ren and a bunch of other Siths such as Darth Ludacris or whatever, until the last one standing realizes that being alone in the galaxy is pretty pointless and kills himself with his lightsaber.
The event could be called the Galactic Cleanse, and once the Sith have been emptied out through all of this, the Jedi could be returned and rule the galaxy in peace, issuing Space Bibles to everyone born as they repopulate the galaxy with a pure race of people who have enough collective Metachlorine to clean a billion swimming pools.
5. There is No Episode VIII
Another interpretation is that this photo is a sad attempt on the part of Rian Johnson to make it look like there’s a movie being produced, but these are just some props and equipment he managed to scrounge together on the lot, and the secret is that there will be no Episode VIII.
Yes, The Force Awakens was a resounding success, but what if all of the studio producers happened to bet all of the production money for this film on Chinese Olympic trampolinist Dong Dong winning the men’s trampoline competition this year, when he unexpectedly lost out to Belarusian Uladzislau Hancharou, and now they’re all forced to shut the thing down? I mean, Dong Dong was expected to win by pretty much everyone. I know someone who lost some money thanks to that incompetent asshole.
Regardless of how they lost all of the money, maybe this photo was Rian Johnson’s half-assed attempt to keep up the ruse that the production is still going on, while the producers are trying to figure out if and how they can get all of that money back.
Whatever the meaning of this mysterious photo, it seems pretty clear to me that we’re in for an interesting truth behind it.