After a Brief Review Hiatus, I’ll Be Back

Sorry to any followers for not posting a new review since October. I’ve been very busy with my day job and freelance work (I’m a copywriter by trade when I’m trying to “blend in” with society), with many a development occurring with my freelance clients. However, I will redirect my attention to film reviews within the next month; it is a moral imperative. I won’t set a specific deadline, though, because it seems like every time I do it just doesn’t happen for the most part and I look like a teasing cock, but I can safely tell you that you will definitely see a new review by next month.

The upcoming review, as you may know by now based on my past posts, will be for Paul Kyriazi’s The Weapons of Death, with one more ninja film to follow (Chin-Lai Sung epic Four Robbers), completing my “octilogy” of ninja movie reviews that I started waaaaay back at the beginning of 2015. I actually can’t believe that much time has passed, especially considering I wanted to get all of these particular reviews written within 4 months (2 reviews a month), but you know how that piece of insufferable shit called “life” can get in the way of hobbies. Not to mention, I’ve come to realize that many of these ninja films feel like homogeneous carbon copies of each other in many ways, which isn’t necessarily coincidental in the case of Godfrey Ho’s canon.

I really do wish this kind of thing was my profession, but wishes are for children, so I need to grow up and learn to accept that maintaining this website will likely remain a hobby and nothing more for the next 2 or so years of my life, or however many more I have left (3 or even 4, perhaps?).

Thanks to any readers who revisit this site from time to time, as your readership is most appreciated, whether you get that I’m making fun of the movies I review or sincerely believe I think they’re good.

Dr. Pont Du Loc’s Evil Island: A Choose Your Own Film Adventure Starring Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp Dr. Pont Du Loc's Evil Island poster

So, I had a dream. It had nothing to do with racial equality or any other variation, but it had everything to do with Johnny Depp encountering an evil sorcerer/scientist who lives on an island in a parallel reality and creates horrible-looking demons using men that he somehow lures to the island. Yeah, it’s a lot like The Island of Dr. Moreau, but not. I was going to simply detail this dream in the form of a little film script, but I decided to make it another Choose Your Own Film Adventure instead, this time with a few illustrations (which will come later) to accompany the story. Why not?

And yes, this one is much more massive than the last story I wrote. At 28 pages and nearly 20,000 words, I don’t expect people to reach every ending or plot direction, but let’s just say there are plenty of ways to travel through and end this story.

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2015 in Review for Horribly Amazing Films

WordPress put together another awesome overview of this horribly amazing blog for the year. I’m still not at a million visitors for the year, so that suicide option still stands unless that number is reached by 11:59pm on the 31st. I have my glass of vodka and tray of sleeping pills prepared, so my life officially hinders on your shares.

If I get a million visitors by that time or simply change my mind about killing myself like I did last year, you can expect a new review early in January for Paul Kyriazi’s ninja classic The Weapons of Death. I’m also working on another choose-your-own-film story that could be up sometime later this weekend.

Oh yeah, here’s the report:

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 12,000 times in 2015. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

The Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence Paradox

Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper enjoying being merged together

Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence have appeared in multiple films together, as you may know. In a few they have been romantically involved, such as Silver Linings Playbook, while in others they are simply connected vicariously through other characters, e.g., American Hustle. While watching them in American Hustle–in which Cooper plays an FBI agent bossing around a criminal Christian Bale, whose character is married to Jennifer Lawrence’s–I saw a tear in space and time for a brief period when Cooper and Lawrence were in the same scene, in a casino.

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Is Mr. Robot Actually About Elliot’s Fish?

Mr. Robot on the surface appears to be a television show about an expert hacker with social anxiety who tries to fight an evil corporation with the help of the mysterious Mr. Robot and an underground group of rebellious tech experts called Fsociety. Elliot works with them to coordinate digital attacks while going through a morphine addiction as well as complicated relationships with his longtime friend and another fling. But this is simply the surface story.

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Dean Winters Needs Help for His Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dean Winters as teenage girl in Allstate commercial
No, no you’re not, Dean. You don’t look or sound anything like a teenage girl, and I wish you were aware of that.

For the past few years we’ve seen him tell us with complete sincerity that he’s a football player, teenage girl, a screaming toddler, a hot babe jogging (yeah, sure), and even inanimate objects and weather elements such as a lamp and a “pleasant breeze.” He’s even told us he’s a deer as he wanders into the middle of the street only to let himself get run over by a car to prove a point about insurance. People seem to find this amusing, while I’m seemingly the only one who can see the real tragedy occurring inside this man’s mind.

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Hands of Death (1987) Review

So, for my third to last chapter in “Kung Fu Gunk Fu”, I planned on reviewing Godfrey Ho’s Hands of Death (aka Ninja Operation 7: Royal Warriors, even though it’s not actually a sequel to anything, and there are no warriors or anything “royal”), but then I discovered to my absolute horror that this was not the Hands of Death in my 20 Kung Fu Movie Pack DVD set when sitting down to watch it. Instead, that film turned out to be a different 1974 Hands of Death, aka The Tongfather, starring and directed by Peng (or Roc) Tien.

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