Hands of Death (1987) Review

Anyway, after Mickey successfully spills exposition about Baron that the Commander already knows, the Commander nods and confirms this knowledge, saying, “That’s right. He’s very dangerous.”

Their talk is interrupted by two gunshots, followed by a ton of armed guys running through the jungle.

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A group of unarmed women runs away from the men, until they’re immediately scared by a tiger.

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The tiger randomly runs through and around the women (a real one, too, not a prop, which is quite impressive for an IFD Films production), and the women just scream. They then run into a bunch of elephants in a clearing, only to make the smart decision to keep screaming, causing the elephants to panic. The elephants are real, too.

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They run back into the jungle, as a jungle woman lands from a tree onto one of the elephants.

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Um, okay.

The women keep running around aimlessly as the jungle woman looks on, until they eventually run into the next thing that scares them: a snake.

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The tiger then scares them again, so the group has to change directions once more, until jungle woman calls the tiger.

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Is—is this the same movie we were watching before? This seems quite different from the Mike Abbott and Richard Harrison feature at the beginning. Then again I guess they always feel like different films once the white actors aren’t present.

Regardless, the men chasing after the women catch up to them as they cross a river, but are ordered not to shoot because “Willy wants them alive.”

At this point it’s to be assumed these women were slaves of some kind, probably of the sex variety.

More chasing and screaming happens, until the men start shooting at the women, ignoring their orders. Mickey and Ronnie ask the Commander if they should do something, but the Commander displays his true pacifist nature by saying, “Our orders are to stand here.”

However, the Commander is forced into action when he’s shot at by one of the guys who find him and his men. One of the women gets hit instead, because Godfrey Ho loves writing female victims.

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Despite being labeled as “ninjas”, there is no sword, bo staff or nunchuck play involved as a gunfight ensues between the Commander’s and Willy’s men. The Commander nods to Mickey and Ronnie, and makes his best “let’s do this shit” face.

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Shooting breaks out! One of Willy’s men gets hit!

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Then another gets a bullet to the head. Then another!

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Meanwhile, one of the slave girls defends herself against two of the guys, which ultimately just winds up being knees or feet to the balls.

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She then rushes to another woman being dragged, and fights her two captors off as jungle woman swings down to join in. After kicking some ass, the woman smiles at her mysterious assistant,

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but the silent thanks isn’t appreciated.

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And after that look of vague confusion about what a smile is, jungle woman simply runs away while the other woman walks away with her injured friend.

Meanwhile, the Commander and his men tend to the fallen woman they encountered.

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Commander asks why they wanted to kill her, and she explains that she was one of Willy’s sex slaves, and discovered the plan between Willy and Baron to get that Japanese treasure. Willy will send his men to dig, while Baron’s men are just supposed to kill any potential competitors.

Then she tenses up and dies.

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Commander’s men look really sad about it. It’s quite a tragic little moment, particularly with those ninja headbands implying that even with ninja powers at their command, this woman’s prognosis is hopeless.

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Elsewhere, that woman and her friend wash up a little in water before being chased by some guys with a spear, an ax and a crossbow, and we’re right back in the action.

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It doesn’t look good for them, until right then and there some guy the women recognize as a “Robert” shows up with a shotgun to save the day.

Just when you think this film has plenty of “main” characters, Godfrey Ho just continues to surprise.
Just when you think this film has plenty of “main” characters, Godfrey Ho just continues to surprise.

He shoots all three of them fuckers dead.

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Well, okay, all but one, whom he winds up fighting up close and personal.

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He eventually grabs his ax and kills him, but then one of the guys who was shot in the fucking heart winds up strangling the perpetually helpless woman.

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The other two just stand there staring like the worst heroes ever.

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Then they both seem to suffer strokes simultaneously and fall down, lying there for a moment as Robert and “strong woman” continue to stare on.

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Then the helpless woman finally gets up, probably wondering why her suffering has suddenly become a spectator sport.

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Then the other two just take off without her as she runs toward them, so I guess she doesn’t matter anymore.

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Somewhere else, this intimidatingly yellow-vested guy beats a couple of Willy’s men and blames them for the sex slaves escaping and potentially exposing Willy’s secret treasure hunt.

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Enough of that, though, because now we get to watch this cold-looking woman

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watch the re-captured sex slaves as they’re brought back to Willy’s compound. Judging by her face and the music playing along with it, she’s probably a total bitch.

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The guy in the yellow vest walks out to tell them they can never escape him. “Haven’t I told you this before, idiots?”

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He warns of “wild animals” and “tigers” (not the same, I guess) and even… cannibals? Really? That jungle really has it all.

“There’s no way you can escape from here,” he reaffirms.

Then this man who must be Willy,

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asks another guy named Johnny if anybody escaped. Johnny in the back tells him three died and two escaped.

Yellow vest doesn’t even respond to that direct contradiction to what he just said. Instead, the girls break out into a fight about who’s to blame in all this, resulting in more high-pitched screaming and scrambling that we’ll get to enjoy plenty of for the duration of the film.

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