Hands of Death (1987) Review

It’s time to learn about another two random people, as they walk through some unexplained ruins.

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A woman named Jenny and a guy named Chester talk about why they’re there, like they’ve just met in the middle of the jungle by happenstance. Chester’s sister was sent to go “fox hunting,” but apparently she got lost into Willy’s territory.

Jenny tells him she’s there for the same reason, to find the treasure, and that Chester doesn’t have to lie. Are these two friends who just happen to be on the same treasure hunt out of boredom?

And seriously, where are these guys? They don’t even seem to realize they’re in the middle of ancient ruins as they casually chat about the possible location of the treasure.

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As Jenny tells him about Willy, they both seem to pop up in random places throughout the ruins in each shot, with apparent teleportation abilities.

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Jenny suggests Chester join forces, because he saved her, and he’s “a very good warrior.” Or is it “worrier” she says? Can’t quite tell based on the dubbed accent.

Chester says he’ll think about it, but has to find his sister first.

“I hope we meet again,” Jenny wearily says. She then adds like a casual side note, “I owe you my life. Thanks.”

Yeah, thanks, Chester. You’re a nice guy.

It must be like the fifth time he’s done this for her, to the point where she’s jaded.

Whoa. Look at this fuckton of birds flying all over the place!

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I guess this is somewhere in Willy’s place, as Baron pops in after that shot with his friendly psycho grin saying, “Hey, Willy. My old buddy!”

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Willy seems surprised, or just startled by Baron’s expression.

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As the scene progresses and the two talk about their plans to find the amply aforementioned gold, it seems like Baron is rehearsing lines to a wall in another room while Willy appears to be in another room in another movie. It’s that tricky Godfrey Ho filming style where it may seem like he’s cutting and pasting old and new footage together with new dialogue over the old one to make a new story, but I bet that’s just what he wants you to think. He’s far too clever for that.

Baron, making this interesting face the whole time,

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asks Willy to start the digging for the gold in the Devil’s Cave mines, while he plans on killing anybody who gets in the way. They’ll split the gold 50-50.

“No tricks on me, huh,” Willy says.

“Sure,” Baron assures him. “We’re partners, right?”

I'd trust that face with my life, no problem.
I’d trust that face with my life, no problem.

At a bar somewhere, a man and a woman meet. This can’t be Chester and Jenny, or… is there a bar in the middle of the jungle? What is this?

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As it happens, it’s some dude we haven’t met who’s talking to Jenny about hunting gold. She mentions she met Chester in the jungle. They say some more stuff about having to work alone and finding the map, and then finish their drinks and leave.

After that exchange, this still-unnamed dude follows some old guy who claims he has the map.

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Immediately after that, a couple of guys walk in the dark as a group of random dudes start a fight with them.

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The two guys kick all of their asses pretty quickly and walk off with their arms around each other’s shoulders.

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I’d root for these guys, but I don’t know if they’re the good guys or not, or even their first names, or even the first letters of their first names. Just more characters to add to the mystery cast.

It definitely doesn’t matter, though, because what matters more is this dude whose name I still don’t fucking know talking with the old map keeper.

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Until the old guy gets shot.

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As he gets shot at, the guy manages to get away as the tense music repeats from shot to shot.

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Then he gets into a fight with another guy in the exact same clothes with the exact same haircut, and I finally have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on.

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Eventually they just run away from each other as the police run after them.

Next we follow this guy who I don’t know. I think he was one of the dudes who left the nightclub/bar/whatever.

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Hold on. You know what, I’m going to go ahead and sum it up when it does make a little sense, because this movie just piles so much before explaining.

Turns out, this guy is hunting Willy and Baron, and happens to know Chester, who’s of course still looking for his sister, who’s likely one of the screaming women captured by Willy.

But when it seems like the two are gonna team up, someone busts in the room while they’re talking and informs them that Chester’s sister is “doing worse.”

Wait. So, Chester found her? This certainly wasn’t covered on camera!

Anyway, Chester discovers that her condition has worsened to the point where she’s dead, which is pretty bad.

Instead of lamenting, Chester immediately looks at the upside and emotionlessly says, “But now I can go on my treasure hunt.” Yep, good thing she got that whole dying thing out of the way for more purposeful pursuits.

He closes her eyes as intimate music plays with lovably poor sound quality.

I feel sorry for you, girl from the beginning of the movie we knew nothing about and thought had died.
I feel sorry for you, girl from the beginning of the movie we knew nothing about and thought had already died.

The nameless guy tries to comfort him, and they agree to both go and get revenge on Willy.

Time to follow the Commander again as he makes more lines in the dirt, something he seems to do more than actually anything he probably should be doing, like moving.

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He places pinecones where Mickey and Ronnie should go, and beautifully knifes his location.

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Just beyond the brush, a fellow ninja spies, judging by his headband.

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At some other military camp, the old guy with the map who got shot gets his bullet removed while making faces.

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He demands they let him go so he can retrieve his beloved map. I don’t even know if this is a good guy or not, much like about half of the cast so far.

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