I don’t like this smug face, and I’ll tell you why. I know it’s a controversial opinion, believe me, but just hear me out. Try to understand why I think geniuses like Godfrey Ho and Charles Band are so much better than this worthless hack who does nothing but sit in a chair all day probably asking for Italian sandwiches (he looks like a guy I’d see in a deli all the time). I think he could quite feasibly be not only the worst living director, but also the worst in the history of cinema. I think there are perfectly valid reasons, and anybody who thinks differently is likely intellectually and morally inferior.
For this next edition of “Kung Fu Gunk Fu,” I want to ask: Have you ever wanted to see a glacially paced movie wherein a multiracial band of martial arts assassins with no personalities do the bidding of an evil woman, and only a double-digit-IQ police lieutenant and a bland hero with no real ambitions or hope in life can stop them mostly through laziness? If so, Paul Kyriazi’s 1976 classic Death Machines is the film for you.
It’s come to my attention that what draws some people to my Ghosts of Mars review is the idea of seeing Natasha Henstridge nude, which makes no sense considering she doesn’t even show an ounce of side-boob in it (are boobs measured in ounces?). She’s been nude in a few things, though, namely the first two Species films. She was a lot younger then – 21 when she appeared in the first Species in 1995 and around 24 when the second one came out. Not that she’s aged badly, mind you. She’s a beautiful woman these days as well, but you have to keep in mind that you won’t find Natasha Henstridge nude here at all, ever, no matter how hard you search for that. Continue reading
“Let’s get this straight. I hate The Thing. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I think it’s the shittiest horror film ever, and John Carpenter should be ashamed of everything about it.” That was me for years up until yesterday, when I finally watched my new Amazon copy of The Thing on Blu-Ray for the first time. Now I love it, although I don’t think it’s as good as John Carpenter’s masterpiece Ghosts of Mars, obviously. I also think the late Charles Hallahan, who plays Norris here, was much better in The Pest. But here is my theory after watching it about who became infected exactly when, as people know this movie leaves infection points pretty ambiguous throughout. After all, where would the surprise element be otherwise, right?
Okay, so readers on my blog already know they can safely expect my reviews to reach around a 6,000-word minimum for the most part. Well, one of the main reasons my latest review became my longest (a whopping ~8,500) is because while reviewing the film, I was to understand the film was only around 57 minutes long, based on the length of the DVD rip on my computer—which was taken from my personal kung fu DVD collection, I might add to avoid those copyright sirens, whatever those sound like. I’m sure Godfrey Ho and IFD Films are really out to sue.
I may not have much of a readership yet on this site, but I’d like to recommend to anybody who stops by (this number of people is increasing) this amazing blog called If You Want the Gravy…. Whether you’re a fan of films both good and horribly amazing, or a fan of soda (the two go hand-in-hand, don’t they?), If You Want the Gravy… [pause to enhance the effect of the ellipsis] is a great place to read about the latest films, the not-so-latest films, and detailed reviews of soda beneath lovely pictures of the blogger’s gentle hand caressing beverages in various containers.
Well, it’s time for another contribution to “Kung Fu Gunk Fu”, with yet another Godfrey Ho masterpiece (seriously, has the guy done anything bad?) called Ninja Champion, from 1985. Yep, another one with “ninja” in the title and a plot that has a ton of Asians with caucasian names, and only a few ninjas. But any movie with ninjas has to include them in the title, according to Godfrey Ho, even if this movie is almost entirely about a rape victim who takes revenge on diamond smugglers, and this woman doesn’t even become a ninja, let alone a ninja champion. This is my longest review so far because this movie has so much amazingness packed into 90 minutes, but I’ve split it into several pages to make the whole reading process a bit simpler.
Gwyneth Paltrow, apart from being one of the best actresses of all time (she totally got snubbed by the Oscars for Shallow Hal), and the prettiest (I’ve dedicated many tissues and bottles of lotion to her), is one of the most knowledgeable and noble when it comes to food. I think she unfairly gets flack for some amazing food-eating tips that I have actually taken, mainly because people just like being unhealthy, and I think Goop is the most interesting and helpful website since willtheterminatorcometrue.com.
As the entire world knows, earlier this month Her Majesty Gwyneth decided to play pretend poor and tried to see if she could buy a week’s worth of food for $29. People don’t seem to think she spent her money wisely, but I strongly, strongly disagree. I think there is plenty of potential in what she purchased, and I applaud her brilliance. I’d like to break it down.
To move along with “Kung Fu Gunk Fu”, I have decided to aim my ninja focus on another Godfrey Ho project (this time not under the guise of his alias Bruce Lambert) called Ninja the Protector, from 1986. Its alternate title according to IMDb is Project Ninja Daredevils, but I don’t recall seeing any real daredevil ninjas, just really cool ninjas who fight other ninjas, mainly in public parks, logically.
This next film in my “Kung Fu Gunk Fu” lineup is something I found to be absolutely unjustifiably brilliant. It is without a doubt one of the best ninja movies I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Ninja Assassin, a movie that had an assassinating ninja! I’ve also come to the conclusion that ninja movies can only be good or great, and this one is definitely the latter. It had me so involved and so intrigued, not to mention there are some amazingly erotic scenes that managed to get my mini ninja to stealthily pop up.
This movie I’m touting as one of my new faves is Ninja Death I by director Joseph Kuo, from 1987, the same year as the last film I reviewed, Ninja Phantom Heroes (also called Ninja Empire). It’s the first movie in a three-part series that has a story which rivals the original Star Wars trilogy, but I’ll only review the first in order to pay attention to other bonafide classics in this genre.