So, you want to make a movie. You want to see a movie go the route you need it to, with your actions influencing the characters and each of their actions through every moment along the way. Well, here’s your chance to choose your own film adventure, right here on Horribly Amazing Films.
This particular film is called Oatmeal Man, and it is about a man who lives for five days, and who could even die within those five days. He is a man who does things. What those things are is up to you, the reader and chooser, to decide. He could do ordinary things to make a film about the sublime beauty of an ordinary life, or he could do insane, unfathomable things to create a psychological thriller of sorts about the devastating results of “normal” society’s pressures. He is a nameless man. He could even be a woman, for all you lady readers out there. I will give you the choices to write that perfect film you’ve always dreamed of making.
Let’s get started. And remember, simply choose the page number at the bottom to go where you want, or click the links. And yes, I know the dialogue isn’t formatted entirely correctly, but that’s virtually impossible in WordPress.
Day One – INT. SHITTY BEDROOM – MORNING
This man is a man. He is a simple man, with simple pleasures. He wakes up in the morning, sitting up in bed after dreaming about raking leaves in the middle of summer, when there are no leaves out. This dream cements his currently pointless existence. Right after standing all the way up and moving away from the bed, the man:
a. Goes to the bathroom to take a piss (continue on this page)
b. Throws up on the carpet (page 2)
c. Stabs the walls with a pair of scissors in his bedside table drawer (page 3)
d. Turns out to be a woman (page 4)
a. Goes to the bathroom to take a piss
INT. SHITTY BATHROOM – MORNING
He walks to the bathroom to take a piss. As he stands, he looks in the mirror over the toilet and admires his face, which is perfectly round like an orange, with a head that has a small puff of brown hair on top that drives the ladies wild. He smiles and begins to rhythmically stop and start his piss stream until he’s finished.
It’s time for breakfast, because he doesn’t believe in brushing his teeth and therefore owns no toothbrush. He prepares a bowl of oatmeal and eats it contemplatively. He begins to think about Toni, his ex-girlfriend, and how she was a bitch. In fact, he has begun to replace her name with the word “bitch” entirely, securing the label as her entire persona. He repeats the word “bitch” after every bite of his oatmeal until he bites his cheek. It bleeds profusely as he cleans his bowl with his tongue.
The man then gets dressed for work, wearing a suit to prepare for work at the oatmeal factory in his nondescript job as “oatmeal man”, the very oatmeal factory that makes the oatmeal he eats every morning. He is forced to eat this oatmeal every day by the company, and is finally growing sick of it after having worked there for three years.
EXT. SHITTY SUBURBAN DESERT – MORNING
On his way to work on foot, an Australian Uber driver pulls up to him in a red 2004 Chevy Cobalt, asking him if he needs a ride. The man:
a. Takes the ride, accepting the cost of $2 to ride for the remaining half-mile left to his destination down the road (continue on this page)
b. Respectfully declines (page 5)
c. Stabs the driver in the face with a pen in his pocket (page 6)
d. Turns out to be a woman (page 4)
a. Takes the ride, accepting the cost of $2 to ride for the remaining half-mile left to his destination down the road
The man takes the ride and gets to work, as the driver wonders why the guy bothered to ride a measly half-mile to his destination, but says nothing. A close-up shot as the man leaves the car reveals that the Uber driver is in fact Satan himself, as horns peak out from above his thinning hair. He drives away and laughs maniacally, perhaps foreshadowing something, perhaps not.
The man walks up to the factory, with its two ten-mile-tall smoke stacks, which pump steam directly into space.
INT. SHITTY OATMEAL, INC. FACTORY – MORNING
When the man steps inside the factory, he approaches the front desk. The RECEPTIONIST, a woman with a two-inch waist and 300 teeth set in a tired face, asks him a few questions.
Have you eaten your oatmeal this morning?
Are you happy?
Are you a woman?
Good. Go home.
The man returns home, walking down the street alone as always. Thus ends day one.
Day Two – SHITTY BEDROOM – MORNING
The man dies in his sleep from boredom, and doesn’t make it anywhere near Day Five. Flies hover above his head in the morning, and dried oatmeal vomit leaks from the corners of his mouth. The vomit becomes sentient and crawls away from the man’s corpse, combining on the carpet to form a single oatmeal organism and deciding that all humans must die.
Go back up to the beginning to start a new film.