Choose Your Own Film Adventure

c. Stabs the walls with a pair of scissors in his bedside table drawer

The man stabs the wall beside his bed repeatedly with his scissors, until he winds up carving a hole that reaches the outside of his house. His NEIGHBOR sees this from his bedroom window across the side yard and asks what the man is doing.

NEIGHBOR
What are you doing, man?

MAN
(continuing to stab)
I don’t know, it just came to me.

NEIGHBOR
That’s gonna cost a lot, you know.

MAN
(still stabbing)
Maybe, but I guess it doesn’t matter.

NEIGHBOR
Nothing does, does it?

MAN
(shaking head)
Nope.

The neighbor retreats back into his house, offering a contented grin.

Once the entire wall is gone, the man walks back into his bedroom and determines that his life is meaningless, and decides to stab the rest of the walls in his home until Day Two.

Day Two – INT. SHITTY HOUSE WITHOUT WALLS – DAY

The man has done it; he has removed all of the walls in his home with a mere pair of scissors. The oatmeal factory where he works has called 37 times to inquire about his whereabouts, but he has ignored them in favor of stabbing. He now sits on his couch and watches porn, a film called Making Out with Dicks, in which a woman named Jane kisses a bunch of men named Dick who stand in a circle wearing penis costumes. The video doesn’t amuse the man, however, as he is now without a proper house, and is likely fired from his nondescript job as “oatmeal man”.

After fully realizing what he’s done, the man:

a. Eats oatmeal until Day Three (continue on this page)
b. Travels to another universe where he vomits on his bedroom floor the morning of Day One with his house intact (page 2)
c. Murders his neighbor’s entire family with the scissors (page 11)
d. Turns out to be a woman (page 4)

a. Eats oatmeal until Day Three

Day Three – INT. SHITTY HOUSE WITHOUT WALLS – MORNING

The man eats 34.5 bowls of oatmeal by 8:43 AM on Day Three. He finds that life is no better than it was before, and not only does he have a house without walls, but now he also has a stomach without room. In fact, he finds that his body has swollen with oatmeal to the point where it’s leaking out of his pores, eyes, nose, ears, and literally every other orifice. He can’t breathe without oatmeal spurting from his lungs, and he knows his days are numbered, if they weren’t already.

The man stands up, discovering that his legs have been turned into chubby stacks of oatmeal, the legs collapse entirely, bursting into pools of oatmeal, and he falls face-first onto the carpet, his face splattering additional oatmeal everywhere. He thinks it’s time to quit his job if he hasn’t already been fired, and adopts a slug-like movement, dragging his legless self to work while leaving a slimy oatmeal trail behind him.

EXT. SHITTY SUBURBAN DESERT – MORNING

As the man slugs away on the sidewalk to work, concocting ways to spout off to his boss about why he’s unable to work there any longer, an Australian Uber DRIVER pulls up in a red 2004 Chevy Cobalt and asks if the man could use a ride. In response, the man:

a. Accepts the $2 ride for the half-mile remaining to his destination (continue on this page)
b. Discovers his vocal chords have been replaced by oatmeal as well (page 12)
c. Declines and returns home to eat more oatmeal (page 13)
d. Turns out to be a woman (page 4)

a. Accepts the $2 ride for the half-mile remaining to his destination

INT. SHITTY UBER CAR – MORNING

Once the Uber driver helps lift the man into the car, they begin the short drive, during which the driver asks a few questions.

DRIVER
So, had quite a breakfast, have we?

MAN
(coughing up oatmeal with every word)
Yes, I went a little overboard.

DRIVER
Do you work at the oatmeal factory?

MAN
(sarcastically)
What makes you think that?

DRIVER
Oh, you know, you’re leaking oatmeal like a sieve,
I put two and two together considering that’s your destination.

MAN
I like oatmeal.

DRIVER
Do you like Satan?

MAN
What?

DRIVER
Satan. Do you like him?

MAN
Not sure.

The driver turns around to the man in the back seat, with devil horns appearing from the top of his thinning hair.

DRIVER
Well, I like you.

The driver smiles and laughs insanely as the entire outside of the car becomes engulfed in flames. The driver grows three-foot-long fangs which pierce the bottom of the car. He laughs as the man begins to panic, leaking oatmeal like never before. His skin begins to melt, and all of the oatmeal inside pours out. He tries to scream, but can’t.

DRIVER
(in a deep, Satan-like voice)
A man who eats too much oatmeal, is a man who is my friend.

The man melts into a pool of oatmeal, which completely spreads across the back seat. He dies, goes to hell to eat oatmeal forever, and doesn’t make it anywhere near Day Five.

END

Return to page 1 to start over.

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