Choose Your Own Film Adventure

d. Turns out to be a woman

EXT. BLACK VOID – TIMELESS

The man begins to feel like something is off. The world closes off around him. Every sense of reality evades him in favor of a pit of pure darkness that extends beyond existence itself. This blackness, so deep it could drive the pits of the universe mad, seems to transcend both existence and nonexistence. Nothing is visible beyond the man’s body, which floats stationery in this void and is illuminated by a single spotlight emanating from nowhere, and as he looks down at himself he notices that he cannot see beyond his chest, which bears a pair of D-sized breasts where he had remembered a flat prairie of chest hair. The plains of the Midwest have turned into the Rockies, and the man suspects that this isn’t the only thing different from that with which he’s familiar.

The man (or something else) reaches his hand down to his crotch, where he once remembered a bulge, and it is now replaced by a flat crevice as he pushes his fingers inward. The pressure causes a sensation he’s not known, and the realization hits him in this blank space: I am a woman.

Like the heaviest anvil imaginable, the reality of the man’s sex plummets with full force and pain washes over her entire body. She can no longer identify as a man, and while her entire existence has been as a man prior to this, with the thoughts and feelings of a man, she acknowledges that she has likely been in this form forever. However, with no formal memory of this body or mind, she cannot begin to place where she belongs in the universe.

MAN (V.O. in the voice of a woman)
I am not a woman. I am not a woman. I am not a woman.

No matter, the internal chants do nothing to change the fact, and she accepts her fate as the opposite sex. She is to begin a new life going shopping every day, cooking and becoming obsessed with the formation of food, caring for animals to the point where it can be misconstrued as wanting a relationship with them, and other things that women are condemned to experience throughout their lives.

To make this transition somewhat easier for the man (who is now only to be referred to as “woman”), the universe has decided to skip ahead a few days to Day Five.

Day Five – INT. SHITTY BEDROOM – MORNING

It is the morning of Day Five, and the woman is now in her home, waking up to her new life. A naked man lies beside her, a coworker she recognizes as Jim from the oatmeal factory. He has a rare horrible facial deformity that makes him look like Howard the Duck, but the woman figures that Lea Thompson was okay with sleeping with the duck in that movie, so he can’t be too bad by most women’s standards. The woman kisses him on his bony, beaky lip which hangs out about four inches, then pecks the single feather-like hair on his forehead, and falls back asleep.

Being a woman may not be so bad.

END

Return to page 1 to live, die and live again.

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