Hands of Death (1987) Review

Was it some kind of magical Reefer Madness weed she smoked that’s making her get all aroused, or does she have some kind of psychic tether with the woman pleading “no, no, no, wait” as Baron’s partner rapes her, imagining she’s actually enjoying being fondled? The film does seem to intercut between the two for some reason.

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Obviously, the latter isn’t the reason because the woman being raped immediately calms down and says, “Wait a minute. Take a shower first.” The would-be rapist complies in complete silence and off he goes.

After he steps out of the shower and dries off, he gets bitten by a cobra that happens to have been sitting patiently in the corner.

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We don’t see any actual bites, though, because the camera just zooms in on the cobra as it strikes, but once again it’s clearly a real animal. Not sure if it’s footage Godfrey Ho took for this film, or pulled from something else, but it’s effective nonetheless.

This isn’t the only snake, however. Another rapist in some other room gets thrown off the bed by the woman he’s attacking and faces a cobra of his own.

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He gets up before it does shit, lucky bastard, and runs off.

One of the women manages to escape, and jungle woman grabs her, leading her back to some new random location I’m excited to see.

That isn’t revealed yet, of course, because we have to witness Chester freeing Jenny and nameless dudes #1 (Robert’s partner?) and #2 from Willy’s little jail, only to get caught while escaping.

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Seems like everyone winds up getting captured by somebody in this movie.

Willy shows up to tell them that no trespassers can leave his property alive. I guess that policy doesn’t give him any legal troubles out wherever the hell this is exactly.

Cut to the next morning, when they’re all supposed to be executed by some… flaming water?

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The film spends a full minute looking over this bubbling fire water as suspenseful wobbly synth plays over it.

Jenny, presumably staying with Willy as a sex slave, doesn’t join Chester and the two nameless dudes (one might be that Robert from earlier) as they get shoved into the water with seemingly no effect.

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Jungle woman swings down to save our heroes in distress.

Welcome to another edition of “Who the Fuck Is the Real Hero in This Film?”
Welcome to another edition of “Who the Fuck Is the Real Hero in This Film?”

She throws the guys a rope while kicking all of Willy’s goons’ asses herself, yet again.

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The three guys exit the water, and nameless dudes #1 and #2 comment on jungle woman.

“She dresses like Tarzan,” #1 says.

“But she fights like King Kong,” retorts #2.

That had me laughing so hard my throat started bleeding. Golden dialogue, and still so simple. It’s good Godfrey Ho’s films don’t take themselves too seriously, or else they might’ve sucked.

Let’s see what the Commander’s Army Ninja friends are doing.

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Standing in the middle of nothing and holding assault rifles, I see.

Why is this movie called Hands of Death again? I haven’t seen hands do much killing. And ninjas without throwing stars or swords, or even nunchucks or feathery bo staffs? You’re not getting rusty on us, are ya, Godfrey?

Thank God we have some Mike Abbott action to keep this from becoming ridiculous.

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Of course, he and stoic camo ninja guy get into a shootout when they spot each other.

Mike Abbott really sells the tension of the scene here.

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More shooting commences until ever-stoic Mickey gets naded while remaining perfectly emotionless about his demise.

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Too bad.

Meanwhile, the old guy who had the map and a couple more nameless guys are trying to get the map back with much Willy goon killing.

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Ms. Bitch Guard tries to fend the intruders off, but winds up whacked.

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Uh oh. One of Baron’s men is up to no good, spying on the Commander.

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He actually steps on a tripwire that jingles some Coke cans nearby, which alerts the Commander to his presence. I’m not sure why it didn’t strike Baron’s goon as weird to hear that sound in the jungle, but I can understand seeing as he’s got a crossbow to focus on.

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But the Commander’s too clever to let this shit unfold.

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Of course, the guy happened to be standing on the Commander’s mine, which the Commander detonates remotely.

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Oh, Jesus, another character. Now who the fuck is THIS?

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Just when I thought we’d finally met all 20 main characters.

Well, anyway, this woman is old and hates humanity. She blames Willy for having to live in a cave. Couldn’t you just… leave the jungle? There’s clearly a city right outside.

But she loves the animals and hates people too much to leave the jungle behind, I suppose.

Jungle woman is her daughter, apparently. She holds hands with a monkey, thought I’d point that out.

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The three women who… wait, three escaped Willy and went with jungle woman? I thought it was just the one that she took back and… eh, never mind. Too much thinking on my part. Godfrey’s script is too bright for me once again.

So this old woman denies that there’s any treasure buried in the jungle, having lived there for 30 years. One of Willy’s former slaves mentions it was buried during the Pacific War. The old woman also mentions that her daughter is named Jane.

That’s right, jungle woman in this film is Jungle Jane. Is this supposed to take place in the same universe as Tarzan? Brilliant!

Somewhere else in the jungle, Willy’s men offer their sex slaves to some of those local cannibals when passing through to find the treasure.

“Whaaaat preseeeents?” the cannibal leader asks boisterously. “What does Willy want from us?”

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Willy’s men wind up being granted passage, as the women stay behind to face certain horror.

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