Hands of Death (1987) Review

Oh, she’s not dead yet. She just tells Jane to forget about revenge and leave the cave–probably because she’ll waste 30 years in the cave not doing shit and instead wind up stabbed after proudly exclaiming that she’s never been killed.

Back to the Baron-Commander face-off, during which another pink ninja finds a hidden tripwire beneath the dirt. Surprise, surprise.

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Wait. Beneath the dirt? It’d take some amount of pressure to snap that thing, I’d think.

The smart son of a bitch sets it off with his sword and gets out of the way, and then spots a camo ninja crouching behind a tree. What’s the solution for this? A shootout of cour–

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or a blue smoke ball. That’s cool too.

Right after the smoke settles, the camo falls to reveal it was a puppet. Nice.

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But then the pink ninja spots the real Commander and starts shooting his revolver. It misses like always, the pink ninja disappears, and Richard Harrison is left staring out at nothing again as another shootout doesn’t happen.

Chester finds Willy and his men as they follow the final steps to the treasure.

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Thing 1 and 2 show up to help fight the gang with Chester, and it ends with Chester fighting one man and snapping his neck as the poor guy’s last face is this.

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Time to get an update on the other movie–I mean plot, sorry–where Baron’s man complains about how hard it is to kill the Commander.

“What happened?” Baron asks. “Did you finish that bastard off?”

“No,” pinkie replies.

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“Dammit!” exclaims Baron. “What’s wrong?”

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“He’s pretty tough, I need help!”

Baron immediately calms down like his roid rage wore off and says, “No problem. I’ll go with you.” He almost seems confused himself by his own personality.

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“C’mon,” Baron says. “Let’s get him now.”

“Yes!” pinkie weirdly shouts before following.

Somehow the old map guy wound up kidnapping the sex slaves, but he gets a good stab to the chest by Jungle Jane.

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More fighting happens in the cave with random guys as Baron and his last man shoot the Commander’s tent in a useless effort to kill him (Baron’s last guy bites it here).

Cut back to the cave, where Willy actually shoots his gun inside (where he got it from I don’t know) at Chester and the Gang, and sure enough, the place falls apart as boulders fall all over the place.

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Inevitably, the boulders only fell on and killed Willy, because he’s evil and needed his comeuppance from the nature he worked so hard to destroy.

Chester investigates the scene.

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After that, Chester, Thing 1, Thing 2 and the women decide that even if there is treasure in that cave, it “belongs to the government” and that they need to spread the word that there is no treasure there.

As they leave, one of the guys tosses the map into a hole in the center of the cave, and it lands in a pit of, yes, gold bars. Irony!

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Turns out map guy is still clinging to life in that cave.

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He’s about as happy as a man can get when he finds some of that raw gold, even though it doesn’t really look like gold.

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“I’ve found the gold! The GOLD! I’m rich!” he shouts in solid glory.

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But then the gold and glory are replaced by irony as he perishes right then and there.

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Well, it’s the end of that movie. Sorry, PLOT. Yes.

Time to follow Baron, who’s ditched his pink getup and rifle in favor of more conventional brown attire and a crossbow.

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The Commander looks for him, too, looking badass with a couple of ninja revolvers.

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What does Baron’s crossbow shoot? Yep, you guessed it, exploding blue smoke arrows.

Oh, and yellow.

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They miss the Commander, though, and the Commander returns fire with his guns. He gets a square shot at one point, but the chamber empties at that exact moment.

Baron’s face emotes this luck better than anything, like always.

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“Let’s fight,” the Commander says, as he does some ninja hand positioning and teleports in ninja fashion.

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Baron does the same,

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and they’re both ready to fight in a public park.

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Much like the end of Ninja the Protector, Richard Harrison faces the villain by tossing his own weapon of choice while the villain does the same. This time, the Commander chooses some kind of brass chain while Baron chooses an ax.

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They collide in the air, hit the ground, and promptly disappear. It’s weird when I can say this seems normal to me, but it truly feels that way when you’ve seen enough Godfrey Ho films.

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Ninjas must spend a lot of money replacing weapons, now that I think of it. Where do they go? To another dimension that only consists of discarded ninja weapons, never to be seen or used again?

Never mind. On to our final weapons.

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What do they do? Just toss them between them. What’d you expect?

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They then jump at them and retrieve them (barely trying to block each other’s hands from grabbing them), doing backflips away from each other once they have them in hand.

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I think Godfrey Ho’s ninjas love being counterproductive in fights. It’s kind of their thing.

They do some more staring, because this is the key to winning.

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We literally have one minute left in the film, guys. You might want to make a move.

Finally, they do a little fighting,

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and Baron throws the remaining primary color smoke ball, the red one, which explodes beneath the Commander’s feet.

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Like the final moments of a sports game, you can’t give up hope on the Commander with 45 seconds left to go. Nope, as a matter of fact, a yellow ball comes from nowhere and falls right behind Baron, launching him in the air.

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Judging from the abnormally bright blood coming from his eyes and mouth, I’d say he’s a goner.

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Yep, and like he did in Ninja the Protector, he simply walks away from it all like a man who’s realized he’s done his job and has no more purpose left in his life.

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No credits, as per usual.

So that was Hands of Death, which is likely the most complex item on Godfrey Ho’s filmography, with a mountain of central characters that you’d have to have perfect memory to recall, and one of the most majestic series of plots and subplots that have ever appeared in these films.

My only complaint was that for a film with such an emphasis on sex, even if it’s in the form of sex slavery, there weren’t any satisfactory sex scenes to be found throughout, taking away any erotic factor that you normally find in Godfrey Ho films. It is for this reason that I give this film only 4 out of 5 horribly amazing stars.

While, like I said, you can’t find this film in the 20 Kung Fu Movie Pack from Amazon that I own, you can find this film in the Martial Arts 50 Movie Pack at Amazon, which is a great deal if you ask me.

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