Choose Your Own Film Adventure

b. Throws up on the carpet

The man pukes on the carpet. It’s black and green, unlike any vomit he’s ever vomited. He walks into the bathroom to examine his complexion. It’s as purple as an eggplant, and he’s clearly not himself. His normally orange-round head is in the shape of a purple pear, and he knows he’s in dire need of medical attention, deciding to skip work.

The man throws on some clothes (jeans and nothing else) and leaves the house immediately.

EXT. SHITTY NEIGHBORHOOD – MORNING

Running to the hospital a mile-and-a-half away, the man pukes five times before he gets there. In the process he loses his entire stomach, and it’s replaced with pure worry. When he arrives at the hospital, he runs into the ER, panicked and unable to swallow because of the absence of his stomach.

INT. SHITTY HOSPITAL ER – MORNING

The man speaks with the DOCTOR, who asks him a few questions.

DOCTOR
(tiredly)
Are you alive?

MAN
(concerned)
I believe so.

DOCTOR
Are you or have you ever been a lemon, or a relative of a lemon?

MAN
Not that I’m aware.

DOCTOR
Does it hurt when I do this?

The doctor shoots the man in the stomach with a 12-gauge shotgun pulled from the floor.

MAN
(bleeding profusely)
Kind of.

DOCTOR
I believe you’re suffering from caucusfilia, which is a condition
where life is meaningless, and the existential questions are equally so.

MAN
Really.

DOCTOR
Quite really. I’m going to give you a pill that will take you to Day Three.

Doctor offers the pill, which is rainbow-colored, the size of a basketball and shaped like a horseshoe.

Unsure if this is the right thing to accept and if the doctor’s diagnosis holds water, with a now-bleeding stomach hole that will likely result in death due to loss of blood within the next several hours, the man:

a. Accepts the pill (continue on this page)
b. Uses the shotgun to kill the doctor and flee to work an hour late (page 7)
c. Removes all of his organs one by one (page 8)
d. Turns out to be a woman (page 4)

a. Accepts the pill

Day Three – INT. SHITTY HOSPITAL ER – DAY

The man looks around the hospital room after taking the pill, which took a full hour to eat, and finds that it is entirely green. He looks down at his gaping stomach, which is now plugged with a flesh plug covered by a giant Hello Kitty bandaid. The doctor smiles at the man.

DOCTOR
It is now Day Three. Go home.

MAN
Okay.

The man leaves the hospital for home, wondering if he’ll ever be able to eat again.

INT. SHITTY LIVING ROOM – DAY

The man sits on his couch, wondering if he should be at work at the oatmeal factory, but then he remembers that Day Three is Saturday, and instead puts porn on his TV. He enjoys a bowl of oatmeal (or at least tries to) as he watches the porn. The video is called Eating Out with Tina, and involves a woman named Tina eating clams in a fancy restaurant while moaning loudly. The man is distracted and can’t focus on the video, however, as he’s busy wondering why he got a job at an oatmeal factory that forces him to only eat oatmeal and nothing else. He feels depressed, and cries into his oatmeal.

Out of simultaneous boredom and agony, the man:

a. Falls asleep in his bed until Day Four (continue on this page)
b. Realizes he can’t actually digest his oatmeal because of his missing stomach (page 9)
c. Attempts to telepathically connect with his neighbor (page 10)
d. Turns out to be a woman (page 4)

a. Falls asleep in his bed until Day Four

Day Four – INT. SHITTY BEDROOM – MORNING

It is Day Four, and the man wakes up in bed feeling livelier than ever before, until he realizes that it’s Sunday. He then falls into an absolute depression, and walks into the bathroom. After staring in the mirror above the toilet for an hour, he smashes it with his very round head, grabs a piece, and slits his wrists. He finds that he has no more blood in his body, and realizes that the doctor’s diagnosis of caucusfilia must be worse than initially thought. He then proceeds to cut his entire head off, dying in the process. He does not make it to Day Five.

END

Return to page 1 to start again.

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