“Let’s get this straight. I hate The Thing. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I think it’s the shittiest horror film ever, and John Carpenter should be ashamed of everything about it.” That was me for years up until yesterday, when I finally watched my new Amazon copy of The Thing on Blu-Ray for the first time. Now I love it, although I don’t think it’s as good as John Carpenter’s masterpiece Ghosts of Mars, obviously. I also think the late Charles Hallahan, who plays Norris here, was much better in The Pest. But here is my theory after watching it about who became infected exactly when, as people know this movie leaves infection points pretty ambiguous throughout. After all, where would the surprise element be otherwise, right?
Okay, so readers on my blog already know they can safely expect my reviews to reach around a 6,000-word minimum for the most part. Well, one of the main reasons my latest review became my longest (a whopping ~8,500) is because while reviewing the film, I was to understand the film was only around 57 minutes long, based on the length of the DVD rip on my computer—which was taken from my personal kung fu DVD collection, I might add to avoid those copyright sirens, whatever those sound like. I’m sure Godfrey Ho and IFD Films are really out to sue.
I may not have much of a readership yet on this site, but I’d like to recommend to anybody who stops by (this number of people is increasing) this amazing blog called If You Want the Gravy…. Whether you’re a fan of films both good and horribly amazing, or a fan of soda (the two go hand-in-hand, don’t they?), If You Want the Gravy… [pause to enhance the effect of the ellipsis] is a great place to read about the latest films, the not-so-latest films, and detailed reviews of soda beneath lovely pictures of the blogger’s gentle hand caressing beverages in various containers.
Gwyneth Paltrow, apart from being one of the best actresses of all time (she totally got snubbed by the Oscars for Shallow Hal), and the prettiest (I’ve dedicated many tissues and bottles of lotion to her), is one of the most knowledgeable and noble when it comes to food. I think she unfairly gets flack for some amazing food-eating tips that I have actually taken, mainly because people just like being unhealthy, and I think Goop is the most interesting and helpful website since willtheterminatorcometrue.com.
As the entire world knows, earlier this month Her Majesty Gwyneth decided to play pretend poor and tried to see if she could buy a week’s worth of food for $29. People don’t seem to think she spent her money wisely, but I strongly, strongly disagree. I think there is plenty of potential in what she purchased, and I applaud her brilliance. I’d like to break it down.
As a little update, I’ll let my relatively small (but growing) number of readers know that I was planning on reviewing a movie suggested to me a few months ago, a little indie film called Republic of Pete, but I just didn’t think it was big enough to warrant a lengthy examination quite yet. If that film reaches audiences to the point where it’s generally regarded as horribly amazing (I will make this an original catch-phrase, dammit!), then I might review it in the future. You can view the entire qualified masterpiece on YouTube, and it has a mediocre 5.9/10 rating on IMDb that can’t possibly be due to nepotistic rating.
In the meantime, I’ve decided to review a bunch of low-budget Kung Fu movies on my Kung Fu 20 Movie Pack, available on Amazon. This is the absolutely testosterone-rush-inducing cover for the pack:
I’ve cherished these films for years and want to spread the amazingness to the rest of the filmgoers out there. Even though I remember getting this collection at 14 years old thinking the great Bruce Lee would be in there only to mistake the amazing “Bruce Li” for him, I’ve come to adore every single movie in this. My first review will be for the 1990 Godfrey Ho classic Ninja Empire, which should be up by the end of the night tomorrow (between 12-1am CST, because I’m sure you’ll be sitting by your screens for hours, rocking back and forth while sucking your thumbs in anticipation).
As a matter of fact, I’ll compile a full list right now of the films I’ll cover from my collection, some of the absolute best of the bunch (most have either “Ninja” or “Death” in the title, interestingly):
1. Ninja Empire – 1990
2. Ninja Death I – 1987 (don’t know why the sequel isn’t on here)
3. Ninja The Protector – 1986
4. Ninja Champion – 1985
5. Death Machines – 1976
6. Hands of Death – 1987
7. The Weapons of Death – 1982
8. Four Robbers – 1987
While most guys will be busy going out with friends and family or making love to their girlfriends, I’ll be busy guzzling gallons of booze while watching and writing about these award-worthy films for the next couple of months. I promise that all those others will envy my experience. Oh yes, they will.
I regularly monitor my site, either here on the website or through Google Webmaster Tools (which has recently stopped reporting anything somehow), and while Google doesn’t reveal many keyword searches, it occasionally lets a few slip through, while Bing and Yahoo! don’t hide shit.
I find it amusing how you amazing people find my horribly amazing site, and thought I’d share some of the glorious searches that seem to lure you into this nectarous trap of lengthy film reviews.
Here are some of the more notable phrases (starting with the most popular):
- alien impregnation stories – 3 searches for this amazing phrase. Good to know my Breeders review is attracting intellectuals who want to explore the deep rhetorical debates about whether people can carry interspecies offspring.
- alien tentacle rape video – 2 searches. Again, happy to know the brightest guys looking for great science-fiction stories and films, on par with Philip K. Dick’s best work, are finding their way here.
- pictures nd steps of how a girl can lose her virginity in nom one nite in nude images – 2 searches. Okay, now I’m beginning to think the site is mistakenly picking up multiple instances of a one-time search, but I’d like to believe that a couple people wanting to learn about the magic of first-time sexual experiences are finding my Breeders review this way.
- home made custom martial art fighting mechanical robot – 1 search (they all will be at this point). Innovators of the future who are constructing state-of-the-art military robots are discovering my R.O.T.O.R. review. Hope you learned something, buddy.
- what’s the name of the movie with an alien that lives under the water tower? – Breeders, although it doesn’t live under a water tower, it just climbs down a small one on a hospital roof, and tries to sneak up on and rape two women with a tentacle arm penis thing. But it’s close!
- “the pest” pants – Not sure why this was searched, though I suppose John Leguizamo’s orange-red workout pants (which he pisses in at some point) are extremely flattering throughout The Pest. I can see why you’d want to emulate him with a pair of your own.
- my lady is a poodle curse – I don’t know, but I hope you learned more about whatever problem or solution you were looking for!
- alien comes out of stomach – Doesn’t happen in the flawless Breeders, but it does happen in that other vastly inferior alien film, Alien.
- pie face – Nice!
- sex files movie tentacles – Another sci-fi fan, I see!
- sap jam nude nips – ?
- what is the movie called.about a gingerbread man who is evil and.cutw odf a ladies finger – A great specific search. Thanks for finding my Gingerdead Man review and not something about another movie where that happens.
- she cut off her finger – Seems out of context of anything, but happy you found my Gingerdead Man review as well!
- gingerdead man frosting scene – It’s awesome knowing somebody out there finds that scene as interesting to watch as I do.
- ghost of mars head off scene – There’s actually quite a few of those in there.
- was darla’s roadhouse in the identical the same building in roadhouse movie – I doubt it, but I guess I’m glad this matters to somebody somewhere.
This is pretty much all I can gather for now, but I might update with some more sensational searches in the future.
If you love horribly amazing films as much as we do here, there’s an excellent review podcast that takes a look at some of the best of the worst, recommends either more great films or enjoyably bad ones, and comes up with some insanely funny ideas for movies. This magical place I speak of is called The Flop House, with Dan McCoy (comedy writer and writer for the Daily Show), Elliott Kalan (comedy writer and head writer for the Daily Show) and Stuart Wellington (comedy writer and bartender). Their banter is definitely entertaining–and a great way to make mindless office work more tolerable–and they’ve maintained their podcast since the late ’00s, so check ’em out!
Guess what? Well, based on the title you probably already know what and that question was useless, but I didn’t post the link to our page in it, so here you go! Remember, it’s @HorribleAmazing with an “e” not a “y” in the middle because someone took @HorriblyAmazing first.
If you have any review suggestions, feel free to Tweet ’em to me and I’ll definitely watch them, enjoy them like the priceless polished gems they likely are, and consider reviewing them. And if you follow me, I’ll gladly follow you, as long as you’re not a suspiciously lonely beautiful woman with “18” at the end of your name.
Also don’t forget we’re also on Facebook, where you’ll see a post about how we’re now on Twitter! Kind of a full circle thing. And thanks for visiting, of course!
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. Pretty cool, although the fact that I didn’t make it to a million views this year unfortunately means I have no choice but to mix my cyanide cocktail on New Year’s Eve. Oh well.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,100 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 18 trips to carry that many people.