A Breakdown of Gwyneth Paltrow’s $29 Food Collection

Gwyneth Paltrow, apart from being one of the best actresses of all time (she totally got snubbed by the Oscars for Shallow Hal), and the prettiest (I’ve dedicated many tissues and bottles of lotion to her), is one of the most knowledgeable and noble when it comes to food. I think she unfairly gets flack for some amazing food-eating tips that I have actually taken, mainly because people just like being unhealthy, and I think Goop is the most interesting and helpful website since willtheterminatorcometrue.com.

As the entire world knows, earlier this month Her Majesty Gwyneth decided to play pretend poor and tried to see if she could buy a week’s worth of food for $29. People don’t seem to think she spent her money wisely, but I strongly, strongly disagree. I think there is plenty of potential in what she purchased, and I applaud her brilliance. I’d like to break it down.

Here’s the picture along with her Tweet:

Now, just look at those eggs.

a dozen delicious white eggs

There are twelve. Not a half-dozen, but twelve pearly yolk-filled gems. That alone should last a family of four for a week. Each person can survive on an egg a day, with all of the other stuff. That’s ample protein, giving you a hearty base prior to chowing on all of those veggies and grains throughout the day, and a healthy dose of energy to get things started. And there are so many ways to cook them, keeping them from ever becoming boring.

Let’s say you start the day off with an egg. If you’re living alone on $29 a week, that’s 12 days worth of eggs! That’s a bulk supply right there! If you would like to last the entire week as a family of four, like my previous example, maybe half an egg per person every day is a good idea–that’s ample for 6 days. Just split the yolk and white when cooking, or cut hardboiled eggs in half for everybody. If you’ve got more than four people in your family, maybe you should’ve thought things through before getting in this situation. Condoms do exist for a reason. But I digress.

Alright, time to look at the lettuce, onion and avocado.

lettuce, onions and avocado

These can go together well, and make for a light salad for lunch. That batch of lettuce should be enough to last an entire week alone. Simply rip off a leaf (maybe an extra one or a half if you want to indulge), break off a piece of that onion, cut it up, and do the same with the avocado. So cut both up, and place both on top of the leaf or leaves of lettuce in a bowl. Bam! Salad. Make sure you don’t break off too much onion or avocado, though, because you’ll want enough for a week. Just enough to add a tinge of flavor without spoiling yourself like a rich piece of shit.

Given the amount of food you have left, you could probably even use this salad to supplement your breakfast egg. You’ll be the envy of all of those less resourceful food stampers, who would lower their brows in defeat at their microwaved Cup Noodles, weeping and adding salty tears to the already disgustingly sodium-rich meal. Pathetic.

Now, moving on to the scallions and ear of corn.

scallions and ear of corn

This is a snack. Scrape off the corn from the cob inside into a bowl, and divide the corn up into different bowls depending on how many you’re feeding. Next, take those scallions, chop them up, and sprinkle bits over the bowls of corn for a little change of pace. Voila. Snack.

Let’s take a look at the kale, tomato and garlic now, for the first part of our three-course dinner (that’s right, you can get three courses out of all of this!).

tomato, garlic and kale

Can you say “salad”? Because these are the makings of one. Now, this is perfect for enough first-course meals to last a full week, if you’re smart. Chop that kale up good and plenty. Dice that tomato. Chop that garlic. Now mix together in a large bowl, cover it when not in use, and store in the fridge. Like I said, that should be enough to last a week, even between four people. I mean, it’s only the appetizer. No need for stuffing your face when you’ve got two more courses, you overzealous weasel.

You can probably give about two or three bites’ worth to each person each meal, but if you’re alone you can probably help yourself to about 5-7. The benefits of being single, eh?

Time to look at our main course: burritos. You’ve got your tortillas and cilantro, as well as your beans, rice and jalapeño to add some zest.

tortillas and cilantrowhole grain brown rice

black beans and a jalapeño pepper

No meat, but only monsters aren’t vegan, right?

Now unwrap those tortillas. Judging by the label you’ve got 18. Holy shit! That’s enough to last two and a half weeks easy, if you’re single. Considering this will be what you buy every week, that means you can probably go ahead and have two burritos every meal (or just the tortilla to save ingredients) without worrying about running out.

For a family of four, on the other hand, you might want to make sure nobody has more than one per meal, and if you need to cut corners, cut those tortillas in half and only allow them to have one per meal. Cook that rice, mix it with those beans, and put in a bowl to store in the fridge for the week. Whenever you want to have burritos, simply heat some rice/bean mix in the microwave and put it in your tortilla. Break off a bit of cilantro, chop a couple of pieces of the jalapeño (don’t want to burn your tongue, though), and you’ve got a flavorful little Mexican meal.

But, oh wait, you’ve still got the third course, so save room. We’ve still got limes for dessert!

seven limes

Yep, those limes look mighty fine, don’t they? Cut those babies up, and you’ve got plenty to give to your family of four. You won’t regret having spawned those two tykes once you see them enjoying the simple things in life, jovially sucking on sections of lime as they giggle with glee. Savor that tangy, citrusy relief as it closes the meal with an unrivaled sweet reprise. With those seven limes, you’ll even have enough for seconds and thirds all week. And hell, if you’re single, you get a whole lime a day. How’s that sound? Not bad, eh?

That’s it, right? That’s all she wrote. Oh, nope. We forgot about the potato and green peas.

potato, beans, peas and jalapeno

That’s enough for… is that right? Another snack? I believe it is! Peel and cook up that potato or even make some mash covered in hot lush peas. With that potato, a family of four could probably divide that into a single bite per person each day. Savor it, as the mash provides that perfect cushion for the crunchy delectable peas.

If you’re single? Hot damn, you’ve got at least two bites per day. You can experience the joy of that flavor twice a day, you lucky prick.

So, all in all, you’ve got breakfast, a midday snack, lunch, another snack and a full-course meal every day of the week. How can you possibly say to me that Gwyneth didn’t know what she was doing? She’s clearly much more in-tune with the human body’s needs than most. Anything more would just be gluttony.

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