I regularly monitor my site, either here on the website or through Google Webmaster Tools (which has recently stopped reporting anything somehow), and while Google doesn’t reveal many keyword searches, it occasionally lets a few slip through, while Bing and Yahoo! don’t hide shit.

I find it amusing how you amazing people find my horribly amazing site, and thought I’d share some of the glorious searches that seem to lure you into this nectarous trap of lengthy film reviews.

Here are some of the more notable phrases (starting with the most popular):

• alien impregnation stories – 3 searches for this amazing phrase. Good to know my Breeders review is attracting intellectuals who want to explore the deep rhetorical debates about whether people can carry interspecies offspring.
• alien tentacle rape video – 2 searches. Again, happy to know the brightest guys looking for great science-fiction stories and films, on par with Philip K. Dick’s best work, are finding their way here.
• pictures nd steps of how a girl can lose her virginity in nom one nite in nude images – 2 searches. Okay, now I’m beginning to think the site is mistakenly picking up multiple instances of a one-time search, but I’d like to believe that a couple people wanting to learn about the magic of first-time sexual experiences are finding my Breeders review this way.
• home made custom martial art fighting mechanical robot – 1 search (they all will be at this point). Innovators of the future who are constructing state-of-the-art military robots are discovering my R.O.T.O.R. review. Hope you learned something, buddy.
• what’s the name of the movie with an alien that lives under the water tower? – Breeders, although it doesn’t live under a water tower, it just climbs down a small one on a hospital roof, and tries to sneak up on and rape two women with a tentacle arm penis thing. But it’s close!
• “the pest” pants – Not sure why this was searched, though I suppose John Leguizamo’s orange-red workout pants (which he pisses in at some point) are extremely flattering throughout The Pest. I can see why you’d want to emulate him with a pair of your own.

• my lady is a poodle curse – I don’t know, but I hope you learned more about whatever problem or solution you were looking for!
• alien comes out of stomach – Doesn’t happen in the flawless Breeders, but it does happen in that other vastly inferior alien film, Alien.
• pie face – Nice!
• sex files movie tentacles – Another sci-fi fan, I see!
• sap jam nude nips – ?
• what is the movie called.about a gingerbread man who is evil and.cutw odf a ladies finger – A great specific search. Thanks for finding my Gingerdead Man review and not something about another movie where that happens.
• she cut off her finger – Seems out of context of anything, but happy you found my Gingerdead Man review as well!
• gingerdead man frosting scene – It’s awesome knowing somebody out there finds that scene as interesting to watch as I do.

• ghost of mars head off scene – There’s actually quite a few of those in there.
• was darla’s roadhouse in the identical the same building in roadhouse movie – I doubt it, but I guess I’m glad this matters to somebody somewhere.

This is pretty much all I can gather for now, but I might update with some more sensational searches in the future.