Ninja Empire (1987) Review

To kick off what I’ve just now entitled “Kung Fu Gunk Fu”, here’s a movie that somehow managed to slip deep into the cracks of obscurity without so much as a whimper, and that’s because behind its fragile shell lies a tough suit of armor just waiting to unleash itself like a stealthy ninja. This movie I speak of is one solid diamond in the rough called Ninja Empire, directed by Bruce Lambert (a pseudonym of the almighty Godfrey Ho) in 1990. In actuality, this film is a 1987 flick called Ninja Phantom Heroes, as another film named Ninja Empire directed by Ho is the one that appears on IMDb with that title, about ninjas investigating murdered prostitutes. It’s all a bit confusing, really, and the reviewers on there seem confused as well.

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Plans for Upcoming Reviews: Kung Fu Insanity

As a little update, I’ll let my relatively small (but growing) number of readers know that I was planning on reviewing a movie suggested to me a few months ago, a little indie film called Republic of Pete, but I just didn’t think it was big enough to warrant a lengthy examination quite yet. If that film reaches audiences to the point where it’s generally regarded as horribly amazing (I will make this an original catch-phrase, dammit!), then I might review it in the future. You can view the entire qualified masterpiece on YouTube, and it has a mediocre 5.9/10 rating on IMDb that can’t possibly be due to nepotistic rating.

In the meantime, I’ve decided to review a bunch of low-budget Kung Fu movies on my Kung Fu 20 Movie Pack, available on Amazon. This is the absolutely testosterone-rush-inducing cover for the pack:

20-movie Kung Fu DVD Pack
Some of the casts listed Jackie Chan as well, but it looks like it was his completely nonidentical clone who happened to share the name.

I’ve cherished these films for years and want to spread the amazingness to the rest of the filmgoers out there. Even though I remember getting this collection at 14 years old thinking the great Bruce Lee would be in there only to mistake the amazing “Bruce Li” for him, I’ve come to adore every single movie in this. My first review will be for the 1990 Godfrey Ho classic Ninja Empire, which should be up by the end of the night tomorrow (between 12-1am CST, because I’m sure you’ll be sitting by your screens for hours, rocking back and forth while sucking your thumbs in anticipation).

As a matter of fact, I’ll compile a full list right now of the films I’ll cover from my collection, some of the absolute best of the bunch (most have either “Ninja” or “Death” in the title, interestingly):

1. Ninja Empire – 1990

2. Ninja Death I – 1987 (don’t know why the sequel isn’t on here)

3. Ninja The Protector – 1986

4. Ninja Champion – 1985

5. Death Machines – 1976

6. Hands of Death – 1987

7. The Weapons of Death – 1982

8. Four Robbers – 1987

While most guys will be busy going out with friends and family or making love to their girlfriends, I’ll be busy guzzling gallons of booze while watching and writing about these award-worthy films for the next couple of months. I promise that all those others will envy my experience. Oh yes, they will.

Keyword Searches That Bring People to This Beautiful Place

I regularly monitor my site, either here on the website or through Google Webmaster Tools (which has recently stopped reporting anything somehow), and while Google doesn’t reveal many keyword searches, it occasionally lets a few slip through, while Bing and Yahoo! don’t hide shit.

I find it amusing how you amazing people find my horribly amazing site, and thought I’d share some of the glorious searches that seem to lure you into this nectarous trap of lengthy film reviews.

Here are some of the more notable phrases (starting with the most popular):

  • alien impregnation stories – 3 searches for this amazing phrase. Good to know my Breeders review is attracting intellectuals who want to explore the deep rhetorical debates about whether people can carry interspecies offspring.
  • alien tentacle rape video – 2 searches. Again, happy to know the brightest guys looking for great science-fiction stories and films, on par with Philip K. Dick’s best work, are finding their way here.
  • pictures nd steps of how a girl can lose her virginity in nom one nite in nude images – 2 searches. Okay, now I’m beginning to think the site is mistakenly picking up multiple instances of a one-time search, but I’d like to believe that a couple people wanting to learn about the magic of first-time sexual experiences are finding my Breeders review this way.
  • home made custom martial art fighting mechanical robot – 1 search (they all will be at this point). Innovators of the future who are constructing state-of-the-art military robots are discovering my R.O.T.O.R. review. Hope you learned something, buddy.
  • what’s the name of the movie with an alien that lives under the water tower?Breeders, although it doesn’t live under a water tower, it just climbs down a small one on a hospital roof, and tries to sneak up on and rape two women with a tentacle arm penis thing. But it’s close!
  • “the pest” pants – Not sure why this was searched, though I suppose John Leguizamo’s orange-red workout pants (which he pisses in at some point) are extremely flattering throughout The Pest. I can see why you’d want to emulate him with a pair of your own.

Rug pissing in the Pest

  • my lady is a poodle curse – I don’t know, but I hope you learned more about whatever problem or solution you were looking for!
  • alien comes out of stomach – Doesn’t happen in the flawless Breeders, but it does happen in that other vastly inferior alien film, Alien.
  • pie face – Nice!
  • sex files movie tentacles – Another sci-fi fan, I see!
  • sap jam nude nips – ?
  • what is the movie called.about a gingerbread man who is evil and.cutw odf a ladies finger – A great specific search. Thanks for finding my Gingerdead Man review and not something about another movie where that happens.
  • she cut off her finger – Seems out of context of anything, but happy you found my Gingerdead Man review as well!
  • gingerdead man frosting scene – It’s awesome knowing somebody out there finds that scene as interesting to watch as I do.

Woman squeezing icing on cake in Gingerdead Man

  • ghost of mars head off scene – There’s actually quite a few of those in there.
  • was darla’s roadhouse in the identical the same building in roadhouse movie – I doubt it, but I guess I’m glad this matters to somebody somewhere.

This is pretty much all I can gather for now, but I might update with some more sensational searches in the future.

The Identical (2014) Review

2014 was a great year for Christian movies, with instant faith-based classics such as God’s Not Dead and Kirk Cameron’s deeply underrated Saving Christmas (which I will review eventually) making the rounds. But the one that appears most superior and an instant classic on par with Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life is Dustin Marcellino’s The Identical.

Now, readers here may not have known this until now, but I’ve been an atheist ever since I was born. I’ve never bought into religion. It’s been entirely wiped clean from my perception for the most part, but when I happen to catch films like The Identical, I get that much closer to seeing the light. Maybe the Lord has been weeping in my absence, throwing these Christian films in my way  to get me to convert, and I have to say it’s working. I bought a cross to hang from my car’s rearview mirror, and although I don’t quite know why I have it, it feels good to know that it’s there, and it’s because of this film that I have it.

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Horribly Amazing Films Recommends: The Flop House Podcast

If you love horribly amazing films as much as we do here, there’s an excellent review podcast that takes a look at some of the best of the worst, recommends either more great films or enjoyably bad ones, and comes up with some insanely funny ideas for movies. This magical place I speak of is called The Flop House, with Dan McCoy (comedy writer and writer for the Daily Show), Elliott Kalan (comedy writer and head writer for the Daily Show) and Stuart Wellington (comedy writer and bartender). Their banter is definitely entertaining–and a great way to make mindless office work more tolerable–and they’ve maintained their podcast since the late ’00s, so check ’em out!

Now on Twitter! Whoop-de-Doo!

Guess what? Well, based on the title you probably already know what and that question was useless, but I didn’t post the link to our page in it, so here you go! Remember, it’s @HorribleAmazing with an “e” not a “y” in the middle because someone took @HorriblyAmazing first.

If you have any review suggestions, feel free to Tweet ’em to me and I’ll definitely watch them, enjoy them like the priceless polished gems they likely are, and consider reviewing them. And if you follow me, I’ll gladly follow you, as long as you’re not a suspiciously lonely beautiful woman with “18” at the end of your name.

Also don’t forget we’re also on Facebook, where you’ll see a post about how we’re now on Twitter! Kind of a full circle thing. And thanks for visiting, of course!

2014 in Review for This Horribly Amazing Blog

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. Pretty cool, although the fact that I didn’t make it to a million views this year unfortunately means I have no choice but to mix my cyanide cocktail on New Year’s Eve. Oh well.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,100 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 18 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

The Gingerdead Man (2005) Review

I don’t come across that many great Christmas-themed horror films made in the last ten years, but there is a film that I’ve recently had the pleasure of watching in a dark room last Saturday morning at 6:00 AM sharp when I finally popped it into my DVD player; I had owned the movie for nine years since its release in 2005, but was too afraid to watch it. The cover gave me chills, and I had three nightmares in one night about this horrible looking creature. I’m glad I finally mustered up the courage after four vodka Red Bulls to finally watch it last weekend, though. And it was every bit as glorious as I thought it would be. It surprisingly had a lot of funny moments in it as well that had me guffawing quite a few times like a toddler on speed.

To end the suspense I’m sure is butchering you, I will tell you that this film is The Gingerdead Man, produced and directed by Charles Band. He also wrote and produced 1989’s Puppetmaster, which is in my opinion the best horror film of the 1980s in every way.

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Breeders (1986) Review

[WARNING: This review contains screenshots of various nude women, including shots of actresses who appear to be in the midst of orgasmic heaven while bathing in what looks like vanilla pudding. If you are under 18 and looking at this review for masturbation material because you don’t have access to actual porn due to parental locks, or can’t get laid, I can understand perfectly. However, if you’re above 18 and came here looking for the same thing, I suggest you visit a variety of other sites that have a lot more explicit material to satisfy your needs. Escort services are also a good bet if you want the real thing. Google is a great friend. Thanks for taking a look at this review in any case!]

It’s common knowledge that the greatest horror films are the ones that explore themes most people are afraid to explore, from extreme torture, to vicious cold-blooded murder, to alien rape and subsequent impregnation in abandoned subway stations. The latter is what this film dives into with unadulterated fearlessness, and it sure as hell does a fine job keeping the topic original and classy.

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The Pest (1997) Review

Sometimes a comedy film comes along that goes misunderstood by nearly everyone who comes across it, with rapid-fire jokes that seem to fly over the audience’s collective head.

The film I am looking toward this time is 1997’s The Pest, a film so underrated and full of comedic flair that most audiences simply can’t handle it, mostly because they are wrongfully offended. I’m here to challenge the scathing reviews and widespread hatred by holding this film up as the Mount Everest of ’90s comedy, which it is. And to top it off, it prides itself on being a loose adaptation of the classic short story “The Most Dangerous Game”, which in my humble opinion pales in comparison to this amazing flick.

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