An Open Letter to Jeff Daniels

Jeff Daniels at PaleyFest

Hi Jeff (I hope I can call you Jeff like you’re my best bud),

I’m not your biggest fan. I like your work, and enjoy your appearances, but I wouldn’t call myself the kind of guy who just watches a film or show because you’re in it. I just thought I’d write you, a pretty cool dude, an open letter. Sometimes a man gets the itch to write to a celebrity, and you just happen to be that celeb, the guy I used to call “Jeff Dannels” when I was a child who’d never heard the name “Daniel” before.

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Daniel Craig’s Forehead Should Definitely Be the Next Bond

Daniel Craig's forehead with white background
Meet the best potential candidate for the new Bond, in my opinion.

We know that Spectre will be Daniel Craig’s final turn as everyone’s favorite alcoholic misogynist spy James Bond. Studios have been scrambling to find the next candidate. Men like Tom Hardy and Idris Elba have been in talks (with Elba ruled out as too old), but people are completely overlooking whom I think truly deserves the role once he’s finished: Daniel Craig’s forehead.

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Black Mass: A Film That’s Actually About Shellfish

Johnny Depp as James
Johnny Depp as James “Whitey” Bulger, probably ruminating internally on his clam instincts vs. human needs

In Scott Cooper’s recent effort Black Mass, Johnny Depp is a gangster with white-blue contacts and make-up that makes him look like a balding clam with a gnarly set of teeth. If a clam were a man, he’d be James “Whitey” Bulger in this film. This man is a clam who likes to say threatening things and kill people just because. He carries guns, but he enjoys the occasional taking of life with ropes and hands, too.

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Choose Your Own Film Adventure

So, you want to make a movie. You want to see a movie go the route you need it to, with your actions influencing the characters and each of their actions through every moment along the way. Well, here’s your chance to choose your own film adventure, right here on Horribly Amazing Films.

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Why Martin Scorsese Is the Worst Director of All Time

Martin Scorsese at the 2006 Peabody Awards

I don’t like this smug face, and I’ll tell you why. I know it’s a controversial opinion, believe me, but just hear me out. Try to understand why I think geniuses like Godfrey Ho and Charles Band are so much better than this worthless hack who does nothing but sit in a chair all day probably asking for Italian sandwiches (he looks like a guy I’d see in a deli all the time). I think he could quite feasibly be not only the worst living director, but also the worst in the history of cinema. I think there are perfectly valid reasons, and anybody who thinks differently is likely intellectually and morally inferior.

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You Won’t Find Natasha Henstridge Nude Here


natasha-henstridge-bra-species

It’s come to my attention that what draws some people to my Ghosts of Mars review is the idea of seeing Natasha Henstridge nude, which makes no sense considering she doesn’t even show an ounce of side-boob in it (are boobs measured in ounces?). She’s been nude in a few things, though, namely the first two Species films. She was a lot younger then – 21 when she appeared in the first Species in 1995 and around 24 when the second one came out. Not that she’s aged badly, mind you. She’s a beautiful woman these days as well, but you have to keep in mind that you won’t find Natasha Henstridge nude here at all, ever, no matter how hard you search for that. Continue reading

The Thing: Theories About Who Became a Thing and When

The Thing opening title GIF

“Let’s get this straight. I hate The Thing. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I think it’s the shittiest horror film ever, and John Carpenter should be ashamed of everything about it.” That was me for years up until yesterday, when I finally watched my new Amazon copy of The Thing on Blu-Ray for the first time. Now I love it, although I don’t think it’s as good as John Carpenter’s masterpiece Ghosts of Mars, obviously. I also think the late Charles Hallahan, who plays Norris here, was much better in The Pest. But here is my theory after watching it about who became infected exactly when, as people know this movie leaves infection points pretty ambiguous throughout. After all, where would the surprise element be otherwise, right?

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