So, you want to make a movie. You want to see a movie go the route you need it to, with your actions influencing the characters and each of their actions through every moment along the way. Well, here’s your chance to choose your own film adventure, right here on Horribly Amazing Films.
I don’t like this smug face, and I’ll tell you why. I know it’s a controversial opinion, believe me, but just hear me out. Try to understand why I think geniuses like Godfrey Ho and Charles Band are so much better than this worthless hack who does nothing but sit in a chair all day probably asking for Italian sandwiches (he looks like a guy I’d see in a deli all the time). I think he could quite feasibly be not only the worst living director, but also the worst in the history of cinema. I think there are perfectly valid reasons, and anybody who thinks differently is likely intellectually and morally inferior.
It’s come to my attention that what draws some people to my Ghosts of Mars review is the idea of seeing Natasha Henstridge nude, which makes no sense considering she doesn’t even show an ounce of side-boob in it (are boobs measured in ounces?). She’s been nude in a few things, though, namely the first two Species films. She was a lot younger then – 21 when she appeared in the first Species in 1995 and around 24 when the second one came out. Not that she’s aged badly, mind you. She’s a beautiful woman these days as well, but you have to keep in mind that you won’t find Natasha Henstridge nude here at all, ever, no matter how hard you search for that. Continue reading
“Let’s get this straight. I hate The Thing. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I think it’s the shittiest horror film ever, and John Carpenter should be ashamed of everything about it.” That was me for years up until yesterday, when I finally watched my new Amazon copy of The Thing on Blu-Ray for the first time. Now I love it, although I don’t think it’s as good as John Carpenter’s masterpiece Ghosts of Mars, obviously. I also think the late Charles Hallahan, who plays Norris here, was much better in The Pest. But here is my theory after watching it about who became infected exactly when, as people know this movie leaves infection points pretty ambiguous throughout. After all, where would the surprise element be otherwise, right?
I may not have much of a readership yet on this site, but I’d like to recommend to anybody who stops by (this number of people is increasing) this amazing blog called If You Want the Gravy…. Whether you’re a fan of films both good and horribly amazing, or a fan of soda (the two go hand-in-hand, don’t they?), If You Want the Gravy… [pause to enhance the effect of the ellipsis] is a great place to read about the latest films, the not-so-latest films, and detailed reviews of soda beneath lovely pictures of the blogger’s gentle hand caressing beverages in various containers.
Gwyneth Paltrow, apart from being one of the best actresses of all time (she totally got snubbed by the Oscars for Shallow Hal), and the prettiest (I’ve dedicated many tissues and bottles of lotion to her), is one of the most knowledgeable and noble when it comes to food. I think she unfairly gets flack for some amazing food-eating tips that I have actually taken, mainly because people just like being unhealthy, and I think Goop is the most interesting and helpful website since willtheterminatorcometrue.com.
As the entire world knows, earlier this month Her Majesty Gwyneth decided to play pretend poor and tried to see if she could buy a week’s worth of food for $29. People don’t seem to think she spent her money wisely, but I strongly, strongly disagree. I think there is plenty of potential in what she purchased, and I applaud her brilliance. I’d like to break it down.
As a little update, I’ll let my relatively small (but growing) number of readers know that I was planning on reviewing a movie suggested to me a few months ago, a little indie film called Republic of Pete, but I just didn’t think it was big enough to warrant a lengthy examination quite yet. If that film reaches audiences to the point where it’s generally regarded as horribly amazing (I will make this an original catch-phrase, dammit!), then I might review it in the future. You can view the entire qualified masterpiece on YouTube, and it has a mediocre 5.9/10 rating on IMDb that can’t possibly be due to nepotistic rating.
In the meantime, I’ve decided to review a bunch of low-budget Kung Fu movies on my Kung Fu 20 Movie Pack, available on Amazon. This is the absolutely testosterone-rush-inducing cover for the pack:
I’ve cherished these films for years and want to spread the amazingness to the rest of the filmgoers out there. Even though I remember getting this collection at 14 years old thinking the great Bruce Lee would be in there only to mistake the amazing “Bruce Li” for him, I’ve come to adore every single movie in this. My first review will be for the 1990 Godfrey Ho classic Ninja Empire, which should be up by the end of the night tomorrow (between 12-1am CST, because I’m sure you’ll be sitting by your screens for hours, rocking back and forth while sucking your thumbs in anticipation).
As a matter of fact, I’ll compile a full list right now of the films I’ll cover from my collection, some of the absolute best of the bunch (most have either “Ninja” or “Death” in the title, interestingly):
1. Ninja Empire – 1990
2. Ninja Death I – 1987 (don’t know why the sequel isn’t on here)
3. Ninja The Protector – 1986
4. Ninja Champion – 1985
5. Death Machines – 1976
6. Hands of Death – 1987
7. The Weapons of Death – 1982
8. Four Robbers – 1987
While most guys will be busy going out with friends and family or making love to their girlfriends, I’ll be busy guzzling gallons of booze while watching and writing about these award-worthy films for the next couple of months. I promise that all those others will envy my experience. Oh yes, they will.
If you love horribly amazing films as much as we do here, there’s an excellent review podcast that takes a look at some of the best of the worst, recommends either more great films or enjoyably bad ones, and comes up with some insanely funny ideas for movies. This magical place I speak of is called The Flop House, with Dan McCoy (comedy writer and writer for the Daily Show), Elliott Kalan (comedy writer and head writer for the Daily Show) and Stuart Wellington (comedy writer and bartender). Their banter is definitely entertaining–and a great way to make mindless office work more tolerable–and they’ve maintained their podcast since the late ’00s, so check ’em out!