Ben & Arthur (2002) Review

He throws some shit around before visiting Random (whose name is finally revealed to be Stan) in his extremely silver office. I mean, he’s practically working in a spaceship.

Victor is upset, of course, and Stan volunteers to talk to Arthur.

“What is it with you and your brother? Gosh,” Stan says.

Yeah, gosh.

“I’m gonna kill my brother. I’m gonna shoot him.”

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“Isn’t that a little extreme? You could go to prison for that.”

Yeah, you could, couldn’t you?

“God is my savior, God is my witness.”

“Yeah, well you’re not gonna be able to go to church in prison,” Stan intrudes with logic.

Give it up to the smartest character in this film, everyone, even if he was the one with the holy water potion idea. Hey, maybe he’s just going along with Victor’s craziness and laughing behind his back. Who knows?

Victor winds up back at the church, and we get a great closeup of the Jesus portrait that must’ve been commissioned for about $10.

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The priest we saw earlier really illustrates his corruption here, freely shouting “Fuck!” and “Jesus Christ!” while demanding someone offscreen to bring whiteout to him. Mraovich trying to point out that whiteout is the source of all blasphemy? Possibly.

Victor comes in. Why? To ask if he can come back to the church, of course. The priest reminds him that he’s still not welcome as long as Arthur is gay.

Victor then tells the priest upfront that he needs him to help him kill Arthur and free his soul. Time for the priest to menacingly remove his glasses with the camera looking up from below.

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“I see. Do you know Martha Welder?” the priest asks.

“Yes. Whatever happened to her?”

“She was prosecuted for killing her son. Now she’s on death row.”

Time to put those glasses back on.

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“I’m not afraid of the laws of mankind,” Victor says. Yes, we know that.

The priest refers him to someone who can help him, giving him his address. This is a priest with some questionable connections.

Victor tells him he has no time, but the priest reasons, “It took God seven days to create the world,” and says that things take time. Sorry, but seven days isn’t a long time to create the entire world, although maybe it is to an alien brain that’s been through interstellar travel. I think I see where you’re coming from in the script, Mraovich.

Meanwhile, on Ben and Arthur’s honeymoon, they have a good time by the pool.

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They sit on the lounge chairs and Arthur says that when Ben becomes a rich rockstar superstar, they can have their own pool.

Wait a minute, is that what Ben really wants to do? I know he very briefly mentioned being a musician earlier in the dishwashing scene, but he wants to be a rockstar? We haven’t seen you play a single fucking instrument, bro. What progress are you making? I guess he’s just too distracted lately with all this civil union, insane ex-wife and crazy brother-in-civil-law nonsense. He’ll get back to practicing.

Just when you think this honeymoon is going great, Ben gets a call from the hospital where he works (I guess he works two jobs) because two nurses quit.

So, they wind up cutting their honeymoon short, and Victor pays a visit to Arthur’s apartment, where he immediately tells him that he’s there to save his soul.

Arthur assures him his soul is fine, and Victor asks, “Do you know that they threw me out of the church?”

Arthur replies, “Well, it’s probably because you’re some crazy psychotic fuck.”

First inarguably true thing I think I’ve ever heard Arthur say.

Victor explains that he hired a PI and through him found out that Arthur was running a porno shop.

Hold on a minute. We never heard the PI reveal any of this information to Victor, ever, or any information for that matter. He literally said over the phone, “I have all the information you need, and I need to meet with you tonight,” after which we saw no meeting and Victor just went to kill the lawyer. Not to mention, we the audience didn’t even know Arthur actually went through with buying a porno shop! Why were you hiding all this from us, Mraovich? Whyyyyy?

In any case, Arthur walks away for a moment, comes back, and shoves a massive dildo and some lube in Victor’s face.

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Uh, okay then.

He tells him to put some lube on the dildo and shove it up his ass, like a badass.

I think you just signed your death warrant, Arthur.

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As Arthur kicks him out, Victor pleads the same “you’ve got to accept Jesus” stuff we’ve heard a million times.

I don’t think it’s gonna work, bud. At some point you’ve just got to count your cards and fold ’em. It’s over.

For some reason, we cut back to the church, this time looking at the beautiful stained glass  window that a 5-year-old probably donated or, knowing this church, was forced to make to  clear the gay away.

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The priest explains to Victor over the phone that he has a man who can help him, which he already told Victor so this scene feels completely unnecessary. You gave him the damn address of the guy!

Well, finally, Victor and this “man” wind up meeting up to kill Ben while Arthur leaves the grocery store.

We get a long shot of Arthur flamboyantly walking out of a grocery store to his car that feels completely necessary.

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Victor and arguably the least confident hitman alive leave the scene of the crime, a crime that occurs offscreen.

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Arthur returns to the apartment to find Ben, who doesn’t look so hot.

Ben dead in Ben & Arthur

I think we’re supposed to believe he was shot, but there ain’t no visible bullet hole, just simple streams of blood.

But it’s a sad sight for sure.

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