I don’t like this smug face, and I’ll tell you why. I know it’s a controversial opinion, believe me, but just hear me out. Try to understand why I think geniuses like Godfrey Ho and Charles Band are so much better than this worthless hack who does nothing but sit in a chair all day probably asking for Italian sandwiches (he looks like a guy I’d see in a deli all the time). I think he could quite feasibly be not only the worst living director, but also the worst in the history of cinema. I think there are perfectly valid reasons, and anybody who thinks differently is likely intellectually and morally inferior.

He Makes Movies About Psychopaths

Look at this guy with the scary crazy eyes and terrifying tuft of hair. He’s a complete psychopath, and one of many who Scorsese glorifies as “human beings.” He even has them narrate the story, like we’re supposed to feel sympathy or empathy or something for these pieces of scum. Nobody can empathize with a psychopath, and if you can, then you are one. Jeez. I mean, John Hinckley, Jr.—the guy who shot JFK, John Lennon and Reagan and traveled back in time to assassinate Lincoln and Franz Ferdinand—was entirely motivated by the film Taxi Driver. There’s something seriously wrong when a movie can delude you so severely.

Take Travis Bickle here from that movie. He’s not only a psycho who wants to kill presidential candidates, but he hangs out with a 12-year-old prostitute, with the thin façade that he wants to help her. He doesn’t have friends (I wonder why…), he can’t go without stalking Cybill Shepherd, and he even takes her to a porno flick where they sit on the dirtiest seats in Brooklyn! Who does that? Abhorrent! This is a guy who should be the antagonist, not a protagonist we’re supposed to adore and love.

Oh, and let’s not forget all of the gangsters in Goodfellas, Casino or The Departed, or that abusive boxing shithead in Raging Bull. Why should I care about these people when all I want to see is them go to prison and rot like the scum they are? It’s what any morally responsible person would want, to clean these filthy streets and rid them of this garbage. I despise Robert De Niro because of these films. Thanks, Scorsese.

He Puts Too Many Rolling Stones Songs in His Movies

I used to love “Gimme Shelter” and many other Rolling Stones songs, until I heard them used to glorify violence and being used hundreds of times. Now I can’t listen to one of their songs without imagining a bullet in somebody’s head as their brains and skull fragments swim in a nearby pool of deep red blood. It’s like somebody used the Ludovico Technique on me when it comes to their music, except unlike Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange I’m not a totally worthless psychopath who narrates his life.

Seriously, if I hear “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” again I might have flashbacks to some horrible moments I thought I repressed. Thanks once again, Scorsese, you asshole.

He Uses Too Much Foul Language

I love a good “fuck” every now and then, or a nice big “shit”, but Scorsese just overdoes it. I’m sure suit-wearing gangsters in real life had at least some element of class, with a touch of eloquence on their tongues. I’ve never even met a gangster and I know this foul-mouthed bullshit to be inaccurate, and for some reason I see it everywhere; every single gangster movie or show has borrowed Scorsese’s horrible stereotype of the toilet-mouthed mafia man. Every other word is “fuck” or “motherfucker” or “shit motherfucker” or some other arbitrary combo. Learn to write good dialogue, Scorsese, so a sentence isn’t outweighed by “motherfucker”‘s instead of meaningful things that make me care.

His Voice Sounds Too Funny

I thought Quentin Tarantino’s voice was grating, but this guy Scorsese… man, oh man. He makes Tarantino sound like an immaculate angel who could seduce God himself. Every interview: “Nak, nak, nak, this film is really deep, I think I was born with mouse DNA, nak, nak, the scene was remarkable, nak, nak, nak, nak, nak, I am a hack, nak.” Learn how to not sound like some old mouse before you try making movies. It’s horrendous to listen to, and your actors might tolerate you more and not make fun of you around every corner.

He’s Too Old to Direct Young People

At his age, he should be directing movies about retirement homes for gangsters, or have Travis Bickle struggling with his bowels and Alzheimer’s rather than insanity and isolation. What he shouldn’t be doing is directing movies with young main actors like Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio. I get a creepy homoerotic vibe from it, like he secretly wants these men for more than their acting chops. He idolizes DiCaprio to the point where when I see them in a picture together I just think, “Weird, dude!”

Maybe Leo should file a restraining order, but then again he’s getting paid to be with that dude all the time in movies. I don’t know what might really be going on there off-screen, but maybe Scorsese just wants to be young again and sees DiCaprio as a younger version of himself. Maybe he wants to fuck himself. Who knows?

These are the reasons I think Martin Scorsese is likely the worst director we’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing. I don’t get why people like him unless they have no conscience or sense of art. Meanwhile, I’m gonna go watch The Pest again, because that’s at least lighthearted, clever, and hilarious, unlike anything that hack I just wrote about has ever done.