Ninja Champion (1985) Review

We meet up with Donald again, who meets with the Asian guy named George, as they appear to sit in two totally separate rooms and somehow speak to each other about Rose.

It feels like these are two different movies joined together, one with Asian actors and one with white guys combined to form a cohesive story, but maybe it’s just filmed in such a magical way to let us know how distant these characters are from each other emotionally and culturally. Godfrey Ho is the Asian Martin Scorsese, isn’t he?

Anyway, it appears that George still loves Rose and has come to Hong Kong meet with her. Donald explains the plot so far to George, saying he believes the boxer’s murder and castration (I guess she cut his balls off, too) was the work of Rose, and that she’s finding these men through diamond smuggling. There are two rapists left. George reacts to all this news with unwavering stoicism.

“Okay,” George says plainly, as if nothing Donald said even registered with him. Then, with a little more unexpected emotion, “I’ll find those two bastards and blow their heads off.”

“Just cool it, George!” Donald coolly demands.

George is told to meet with Rose before the cops can catch her, and he vows to kill the rapists himself if he finds them.

Donald continues to finger-point, this time choosing to stand up while doing it.

“You’re different,” he states, pausing for some reason. “You’re an interpol agent with a license to kill.” This, he reasons, is why he wants George to meet with Rose so they can take revenge together. This is just sounding more and more plausible, a foolproof plot if I ever heard one explained so heavily to me.

Donald also explains that George’s father-in-law might be the key to finding the rapists. Um… okay?

Their conversation is interrupted by a phone call, which George answers. Who is it?

“Rose,” the voice says.

“Rose,” George says softly as his lips form a word that looks nothing like that.

He then briefly remembers a time when the two of them did this:

Rather than ask where she is over the phone, George logically lowers it and asks, “Where are you?” to himself.

I guess they still held a conversation, as we then find George meeting with Rose in a park.

George calls out his favorite name, “Rose,” while shocked-but-not-too-shocked.

They then stand next to each other and say nothing for about ten seconds.

They talk about how George is married now, and Rose asks if he’s going to arrest her, to which he tells her he’ll kill the others himself instead, being the responsible and just interpol agent he is. Rose tells him she thinks her rape has something to do with the diamond smugglers, to which George acts like he’s finally figured out why she’s involved in the diamond smuggling, even though Donald already made this clear to him.

Does George have some form of amnesia? Maybe. That would certainly explain why when Rose makes it painfully clear that she plans on killing George for abandoning her in her time of need (just a little drastic, isn’t it?) George responds by calmly making her promise that they’ll be together forever. He then leans in and demands, “Kiss me,” almost becoming a rapist himself. He seems amazed that this woman—who’s just stated that she hates every man in the world now and wants to kill him—has denied him one last kiss. I think Georgie boy’s got some brain damage in his backstory that we don’t know about.

Rose slaps him after the failed kiss, and tells him not to touch her.

“But I love you,” George responds, once again displaying his utter lack of short term memory. Maybe he thinks women who want nothing more than to kill you can be stopped by simply telling them this stuff.

She runs off, and George almost looks a little unsure about what just transpired.

“I don’t get it. What happened to her to make her hate men so much, even though I was camping with her when it happened?”

Poor Rose winds up facing these two bad boys as she tries to leave the park.

What does Rose do? Runs in the opposite direction shouting “Rape! Rape! Help!” So much for that whole fearless revenge plan, I guess. Unless she puts poison on her nipples, I suppose she’s screwed, both figuratively and literally.

Well, after she runs, our good buddy George steps in to teach these men a few things about punches, slaps and kicks, and how much they hurt.

men fighting together and hurting

man slapping another man

man kicking another man

It’s bad ass, and I’m sure he’s going to finish them off. Er, I guess we won’t know considering it just cuts to a cop who effortlessly ambushes Rose and shoves her into his car.

Looks like it’s the electric chair for her, as Donald warned earlier. Oh, we’re not done watching George kick some ass after all.

We still don’t find out if he kills them, though, as there’s another interestingly abrupt cut and we meet… is that right? Ninjas?

A third of the way through this film and the title is beginning to make sense? Nice!

Those ninjas are bowing down to this dude:

He announces that their original plans to kill Robert and Larry (who are they again?) have been momentarily canceled. He says it’s because a woman is doing the killing for them.

In probably the most inexplicably arrogant voice ever uttered from a ninja, the boss explains, “She wants to kill those guys because they raped her,” like he’s proud of himself for knowing this.

“Ha! So we have nothing to do,” the one other vocal ninja exclaims.

To keep them busy and put the money spent on them to good use, the boss smugly instructs them to watch this man in the photo here, and ultimately kill him because he’s got an unexplained contract on him.

“Well, I hope I find him first,” the other ninja says. “I’ve never killed an interpol agent before.” This is of course followed by a huge burst of laughter, because killing interpol agents is hilarious and he’s clearly a psychopath.

“Make sure that you do,” the boss says plainly, not seeming to acknowledge the brief moment of insanity he just witnessed. He dismisses this “class” with, “Okay, you can go now.”

So, how exactly does a “ninja champion” emerge from this when the ninjas are hardly even involved in the main story? I guess whoever nails poor Donald gets that title. This isn’t going to be anticlimactic at all.

Goodbye, ninjas. It’s time to catch up with Rose, who quickly discovers the self-proclaimed cop who took her into custody isn’t a cop at all, as he parks in an empty alley. Looks like it might be time to run and cry “rape” again like the submissive character she actually is.

The guy reveals he’s the second guy on her “list” after “champ” from earlier. How does he know what order she’s going in? Never mind, stupid of me to question things like that.

“You mean you’re Ronald?” she asks, as he laughs and the camera cuts to a flashback showing his clown makeup.

I take it Godfrey Ho thinks Ronald McDonald is a rapist, or he’s making a statement about the McDonald’s corporation itself raping the world’s health food industry. Either way, he’s not wrong. Quite the genius bit of social commentary.

Ronald holds a knife up to Rose’s face and says he’s not an asshole like “champ” was, because threatening to kill a woman with a knife isn’t an asshole-ish thing to do. She has one last wish: to put makeup on. “You know how vain we women are. I’d like to go to my death looking my delectable best.” Godfrey Ho has written a true icon for feminists, hasn’t he?

Of course, when she pulls out the mirror from her purse she also pulls out some mace and sprays Ronald with it. She then removes her shoes, gets out and hits him with her heels. This gets him nice and bloody.

He grabs a pipe from the wall nearby,

and Rose dodges his attacks, but then she manages to trap his arm in the car door with her dainty foot.

Then she hops on top of the car, kicks him a few times, but another pipe appears at the wall to assist Ronald.

Is this wall meant for such a rare occasion?

Thankfully, as Ronald attacks without any real control, Rose picks his switchblade up off the ground and gives him a few vengeful stabs in the back. She runs off into a warehouse of some kind as Ronald wails in pain. She tries to get her cuffs off, but Ronald has teleportation abilities, apparently, as he pops up behind her to strangle her.

Rose makes some odd dying cat sounds, along with some more extreme faces, and knees him in the balls. She gets to the car and tries to drive away, but our determined rapist pops up again and jumps onto the hood of the car (is she really worth all that effort, man?) and Rose jumps out. She clearly hits the brakes and the car stops as Ronald hits the broken windshield, but even the car seems to hate rapists, speeding up and crashing into a ton of lumber across the alley.

A couple cops come by as Rose runs off, faced with this situation as the guy is still alive.

Are we going to get an update on those ninjas? Nope. Instead, we’ll take a look at George as he emptily stares into space while being groped by his current wife. The random wheelchair isn’t explained at all. Is this woman crippled, or is George? Because at this point I can’t tell.

She unbuttons his shirt, and he’s still looking as dead as the only other person who’s died in this film so far.

Let’s see if unzipping his pants will inspire something.

Nope. Not even a heavy sigh.

“What’s the matter?” his wife asks. “Why won’t you talk to me? We’ve only been married a month and you won’t even touch me.”

It’s because he’s rendered completely catatonic around you, obviously. Maybe he’s just so nervous about making you unhappy that he’s paralyzed with fear when he’s in bed with you.

Oh, never mind. Looks like he’s just busy fantasizing about some fun beach sex with Rose.

Finally George tells his wife that he won’t make love to her, and to “go take a cold shower.” George, George… There’s admitting you don’t love your wife, and then there’s just being an asshole. I think I’m beginning to understand why Rose wants you dead, too. Godfrey Ho making us men look unsympathetic, further cementing his feminist stance.

“You’re my husband. You’ve got to make love to me,” his wife demands.

“If you’re in a hurry, why don’t you pay somebody to screw you?” George tells her.

They’re at this point after a month when they’re not even a celebrity couple? Wow.

Just then the radio in the room broadcasts about the police finding Ronald, who is “in satisfactory condition after the attack, having been stabbed and knocked over by a car.” Yeah, “knocked over,” like he was just nudged and fell down.

The wife suspects the broadcast has to do with Ronald’s “work,” which makes him snap, “Don’t you interfere!”

Enough of that drama, though, as we see Rose disguised as a nurse walk into Ronald’s room. She ties his arms and legs as he seems alarmed, and then once he realizes who she is, she demands to know the third man who raped her, threatening to inject him with something that will paralyze him for the rest of his life. I wouldn’t lie to this woman.

He says what sounds vaguely like “Walter”, and Rose kills him anyway, shooting him in the head.

Rest in peace, Ronald. I hear they’ve got plenty of McDonald’s in hell.

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